War Machine

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She lost the match.
In his special power armor, ready to smack up a bitch.
Now you too can pound Christy Mack!

Twitter-favicon.png WarMachine170, aka Jonathan Koppenhaver, is a manlet Mexican MMA fighter who, on August 8th, 2014, showed off his incredible close quarters combat skill by beating up a naked, cowering, unarmed woman.

War Machine beat the shit out of his whore girlfriend Twitter-favicon.png ChristyMack so badly that she needed over $100,000 in reconstructive surgery and dentistry. It happened because his pornstar girlfriend couldn't be satisfied by his dick, so while trying to rehearse a new scene Jonathan surprised her when she was busy getting rammed. Unsuspecting Jonathan didn't know that Christy was getting paid to suck dicks, so he of course righteously beat up the skank, so badly she'll perform perfect blowjobs as she doesn't have any fucking teeth.

Warmachine's perspective

Warmachine missed taking his ex pornstar girlfriend down into submission, so he entered Christy's home with a marriage proposal. This is an obviously great idea because a Pornstar who already broke up with you is obviously wants to make a commitment with you. As the Alpha male silver-back opened the door, he grunted in surprise that a Beta male was riding on top of his girlfriend. Like any reasonable Gorilla, Warmachine mauled his mating rival in a "fight for his life" and dragged him out of Chrisy's home. Warmachine beat his chest in triumph. He turned his attention to his frightened mating target which was phoning 911 instead of submitting to be happily engaged. Warmachine realized he isn't done fighting for his life and began pummeling, kicking, and stabbing Christy. Warmachine of course still loved her but he needed to assert dominance to get her back, which costs 18 broken bones, missing teeth, and other injuries. Warmachine was shining the engagement ring when the target of his affection had ran away into a neighbors yard. For some unknown reason the cops will not give him fair play or believe him, he was after-all just fighting for his life.

Pwnt by 4chan


Suicide Attempt

On October 14th, 2014, Warmachine again attempted to fight himself while in jail awaiting trial. Taking no time to play around, he went straight for the choke out. Unfortunately, the guard who had volunteered to ref the fight had to step in, as Warmachine's attempt to use linen as a weapon violated MMA rules. Warmachine was disqualified from the fight and put on suicide watch. Some argue that Warmachine was trying to kill himself in order to avoid prison rape, while others speculate he was trying to get used to having little oxygen so he could choke on his cell mate's dick for longer periods of time.

His hatred of cops

Just drove by a Cop funeral…yeah, today’s gonna be a good day. #ACAB


—War Machine (@WarMachine170) September 4, 2013

Gallery of why Jonathan wasn't enough for the whore

Related Articles

External Links

Twitter-favicon.png ChristyMack
Twitter-favicon.png WarMachine170

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Featured article October 20 & 21, 2014
Preceded by
Tom Preston
War Machine Succeeded by
Tyler Malka