The Great Egyptian Riot of 2011
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Perhaps the most lulzy event in Egypt since the enslavement of the Jews, the Egyptian 2011 Riots all started when after years of being suppressed by the Egyptian president for the past 2900 years, the citizens of Egypt decided to start a riot and a protest against Hosni Mubarak, aka the Kim Jong Il of Africa, all-powerful dictator of Egypt. He is the second most hated sand-nigger on the planet besides Osama bin Laden because he enjoys IRL trolling his Egyptian citizens and barring them from saying whatever they want. As a last result to suppress the riots, Hosni attempted to take drastic measures to remain in power and to stop the riots. However, his stupidity just made the riot worse and moar lethal.
How it all started
Since Egypt is full of copycat Arabs, once they saw the Tunisian government collapse after 23 years of hellish autocracy, the Egyptians decided that they'd like that as well, as 30 years with the same idiot ruler does tend to grate on the nerves. There are other reasons as well: economic crisis, lack of any type of freedom, corruption, policemen abusing their power, people only living on $2 a day, church bombing, and the fact that Mubarak has been gagging on Israeli balls for the past 30 years (which he truly enjoys).
On January 25, or "the Day of Anger," thousands of protests occurred in many of the major cities in Egypt, and eventually the High Court in Cairo was closed. As a result, the government and the police force ended up shitting their pants and tried to suppress the rioters. The police, although they had arms and shields, ended up getting pwnt by the protesters. However, the police struck back and came back with moar reinforcements on January 26. Many protesters and policemen literally killed each other and many police stations and government buildings were burned to the ground.
The Last Straw
As a last resort and in an effort to stop the riots, Hosni killed all internetz connections in Egypt and took down all cellphone signals thinking that doing so would solve the crisis. Making matters worse, the entire Egyptian population went completely batshit insane over not being able to download porn, and the number of protesters increased from 10,000 to 100,000 in just a few hours. After realizing his extreme stupidity, Hosni ordered the police to kill fucking everyone that they see on sight. Many protesters were shot to death and they stopped killing random people due to moralfaggotry.
Not Quite the Last Straw
Mubarak, pissing himself, orders the army to take the streets and control the crowds. The army that he has neglected and given no political powers for at least 30 years, making them say "wut" or shout to Mubarak "NO U" now have control of the streets.
Now the army is busy shooting rampant looters and criminals. LOL! In Egypt military service is compulsory so they joined the protesters. Lucky for Egypt, they don't know that Anonymous is responsible for the damage. Making a Facebook page by the name of El Shaheed, he just wanted to do it for the lulz.
When it became clear that Mubarak couldn't use the army to Tienanmen his restive subjects, he first tried offering a passel of bullshit concessions, like refusing to run himself or his son for office in the future, appointing the Egyptian intelligence chief/CIA torture liaison Omar Suleiman as his first vice-president in 30 years, and offering to hold talks with UN shill Muhammad elBaradei and the Muslim Brotherhood. The protesters, though, knowing that the police already had their photos and what they could expect should Mubarak remain in power when the Day of Rage was over, rejected these half-measures and have continued balls-out to resist government suppression.
So Mubarak employed a different tactic: withdraw the police and let the ingrates taste true anarchy, then open the prisons, flooding the streets with criminals. These same criminals were then armed and offered commutation if they'd hop on the nearest camel and charge protesters with rocks, bricks, firebombs, and clubs as "pro-Mubarak" elements. Thus far this has also failed to work. So Hosni resorts to whining:
—THEN GO ALREADY YOU ASSHOLE
- Mubarak's goons sodomize democrats with American-made helicopter gunships; no change
- Transitional government headed by elBaradei and Suleiman placates the people, probably collapses
- Islamic theocracy
- Civil war
- Pan-Arab nationalism
- A regime just as bad as they had before
- Pluralistic, secular democracy
Whichever of these it is besides the first, it will certainly fuck up Israel's ongoing siege of Gaza and their greater designs on the Middle East. Also, if the new government decides to restrict the Suez Canal, enjoy your new gas prices; in fact, you better fucking hope Mubarak wins this shit.
What Are They Rioting For?
Despite supporting the riots (OMG REVOLUTION SO EXITING!!!11) no one in the western world seems to know why the Egyptians are rioting. That's because there is no reason whatsoever - Muslims just love to riot, rage, and burn stuff. For further understanding of the Muslim rioting culture, here is an educational video from Mr. Garrison. (starts at 0:49) <video type="youtube" id="eNtDrUhcKyQ&autoplay=0&start=49" width="480" height="360" desc="why do muslims riot "frame="true" position="center"/>
- Internet Kill Switch
- China - another srs internet censor
- The Great eBarrier Reef of Australia
- Somalia - another country going through a state of anarchy
- Iran - protest fail
- Tunisia - protest win