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Baby Patton Oswalt knows that success is achievable by others, but never you

The opposite of fail. Also the defining feature of successful people, ie not you.

Successful people can be easily recognized by the fact that they are smarter, taller, more attractive, and less bald than you. Also, their tans are excellent. They have white, straight teeth, partially because they have good dental plans, and partially because, unlike you, they actually brush their teeth once in a while.

If you are not successful, there is nothing you can do about it. Successful people have Divine Right, as they are chosen by God. Maybe if you didn't spill your seed so friggin' often, God would like you better.

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