|KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID!
|This article is about a local conflict between Russia and Georgia. If you do not live in one of these countries, it will not be interesting for you. Better watch some video with CP. In addition, this looooong article has been written by butthurt Russian patriots, so it contains some specific information. You've been warned.|
South Ossetia is a region in Georgia which has recently seen a shitstorm of drama and lulz in the international community due to an outbreak of war. The war started last Thursday when Georgia started getting butthurt about ethnic separatists in the countries of Abkhazia and South Ossetia, who have more ties to Russia than the former Soviet republic of Georgia which they are technically still part of. These separatists thought that if the USA, NATO and the EU could recognize Kosovo, then why not them? But since Georgia and the Western coalition are bum buddies, that'll never happen, although Russia wants these regions to get freedom. Despite this, at a recent NATO meeting in Bucharest, France and Germany opposed Georgia's request for adminship, not allowing Georgia to have higher powers as a full member of NATO, so Georgia remained autoconfirmed as the meeting ended in no consensus.
The war began just as the Olympics started (by no coincidence), timed nicely by the Georgians as Vladimir Putin left his altar boy Dmitry Medvedev in charge of the country. Most of Europe responded by sucking up to the USA and calling for a ceasefire, although Russia's staunch allies like Kazakhstan and Armenia backed up Russia's claims that Georgia was attacking Russian peacekeepers and that Georgia is the country that deserves to get pwned for attempting to fuck with the Russian bear.
- 1 Drama on the internets
- 2 Waking Up The Sleeping Bear
- 3 The Men in Charge
- 4 The South Ossetian campaign tl;dr
- 5 The Red Air Force in action
- 6 The Abkhaz Campaign: A Very Brief Description
- 7 Georgian retreat
- 8 Meanwhile, in Abkhazia...
- 9 Anti-lulz & Faggotry in Tbilisi
- 10 It's a Communist Party in Gori
- 11 Back on the Highway to Hell
- 12 The Withdrawal Method
- 13 Wait for it...
- 14 Losses
- 15 Jews/Illuminati/CIA plan out the conspiracy
- 16 Pretty Raep Machine
- 17 Akhbazia and South Ossetia are now countries...
- 18 Responsibility and Bawwwing
- 19 International Reaction
- 20 Another "fuck you" by the USSR
- 21 Nicaragua finally gets revenge for the Contras
- 22 Russia finds some Jew Airfields in Failorgia
- 23 Mutiny for the Lulz Time to blame the Russians
- 24 Darwin Award
- 25 Quotes
- 26 Moar JewTubes
- 27 Gallery
- 28 See Also
- 29 External links
Drama on the internets
Most tabloid newspapers went crazy over this. The ignorant shitheads who read The Sun engaged in ad hominem attacks on the Russians despite not having a clue what the entire conflict is about. This is because they always believe that everything that America ever does or backs up is the right thing. However, the communist sympathizers at The Guardian took a rather different stance. Whilst the Sun may claim that the batshit crazy pedophile Barry George killed British TV presenter Jill Dando, the Guardian tends to instead promote the conspiracy theory that she was killed by Serbian secret agents for promoting the cause and plight of Kosovo Albanians at least 10 years ago on her shitty television show. The Guardian still gets pro-Bush supporters to write articles for it in its comment is free section.
Waking Up The Sleeping Bear
For now, it looks like the fucktarded Western coalition should have listened to Russia when it said that there would be serious business if Kosovo was considered independent. However, since most of Europe (except Spain) didn't have the balls to oppose Kosovo's independence, despite it blatantly breaking international law, the world is going to have to suffer the consequences of over 9000 secessionist movements like this in the future. But due to mutually assured destruction, neither side will actually start World War Three, right? Right? Not only this, but the little shithead georgians obviously only wanted to nut themselves once they had expanded their limp dick country. Russia wanted said areas to gain autonomy, but this is obviously a ploy by vlad the impaler to take the territories for himself. (Note: the Russians gained the Crimean Khanate autonomy from the turkadurks in the 1700s, only to annex it for themselves in a lulzy move seven years later.)
4 August 2008 - Georgia sends troops into the state of South Ossetia to fight Russian-backed rebels and Ossetian separatists, who have been running a de facto independent state for a few years.
tl;dr - Georgia starts shit.
5 August 2008 - Russia tells Georgia that if dey fuck with Ossetia, shit be on!
tl;dr - Russia accepts Georgia's shit, only to throw it back in Saakashvili's face, cause Russians don't take shit from anyone.
The Incident Replayed
The Men in Charge
Russian Macho: In 1999 Putin came to power in Russia, couped the corrupt mafia government and actually did good things: he doubled the average Russian’s income, which tripled the standard of living. He gave back pride to the Youth, secretly hoping they’ll enlist in the FSB. He even anointed Medvedev as president, just cause the dude had a cool last name. ("Medved" means "bear" in Russian, and "-ev" is just a common ending for a lastname.) Being a true leader, Putin also did some questionably good things: he served up lovely Polonium to all those seeking to destabilize Russia, he offered Chechens incentives to stay with Russia, and bombed the shit out of those that refused, and he let the Russian Army win the Second Chechen War by ensuring that Kremlin cronies won’t interfere. He even did some dastardly things, like ignoring the investigations of journalists who were killed; Russia’s big, too much stuff to do, don’t have time to investigate journo-deaths. Sowwy. But not really.
Georgian "Macho": In 2004 Saakashvili came to power in Georgia, established a corrupt mafia government, whacked one of his opponents, Pakriashvili, and, as is natural to leaders who admire Dzhugashvili, (better known as Stalin,) purged the army. He tried to assault Ossetia in 2004, but failed since they were facing Russian-trained Ossetians and Cossacks fresh from the Motherland. A Wikipedo created an article on it, so you can see a full description of how that skirmish went. After the failure, Saakashvili was influenced by the Neocons, whose motto is: "if you fail, get bigger guns and invade, invade, invade!" Between 2004 and August 2008, Saakashvili bought tanks, guns, modern fighting equipment, and spent more of his per capita GDP on the army, than any other leader. Woot! For instance his tank force went from 31 T-72s to 191 T-72s (like T-72 is modern, LOL.). But since you are an ED reader,
I won’t bore you with anymore facts. Already bored.
The South Ossetian campaign tl;dr
On August 7th Saakashvili launched an all out attack on Ossetia, called “Operation Clear Field”. His plan was to annihilate all Ossetians living in the area assigned by Stalin to Georgia, and infiltrate it with “Ossetians” who would shout against the evil Russian aggression, proclaim Saakashvili a Deity and beg for union with Georgia. (Protip for wannabe conquerors: when attempting Ethnic Cleansing and later attempting the cover-up, do not title it “Operation Clear Field”. It’s very bad PR.) Saakashvili’s three pronged attack failed at Roki, succeeded against the Russian peacekeepers' base, and ended in a stalemate in Tskhinvali. The latter would become a bitter battle over the next three days, and the only battle of the war that lasted over 12 hours.
The battle started when the Georgians shelled Tskhinvali with artillery and rockets, and bombed it from the air, using cluster bombs for extra lulz, destroying large parts of the city. For extra lulz, they destroyed the city's hospital, and after a makeshift hospital was erected, they shelled that too, killing 25 people. As desperate people tried to flee to Russia on the only road that was still working, Georgian tanks moved in, shelling cars filled with families desperately trying to escape.
The Georgian Army invaded Tskhinvali, sending 10,000 NATO/SPRI trained and equipped troops backed by tanks, artillery, and ground attack aircraft in. They went through the city with tanks and APCs like Rambo wannabes, shooting firing at buildings and cars while screaming WAHOO! The Georgians were having a high old time, looting corpses and the ruined city, shooting unarmed civilians for the lulz, and taking cell phone pictures of their atrocities for their families back home.
Meanwhile, the Georgian special forces were carrying out a special mission: redirecting all of the city's waterpipes to pump hundreds of gallons of water into tightly cramped basements where civilians were hiding from the bombing. Georgian generals later claimed that they were trying to help out the people and give them something to drink while hiding, and it was not their fault if they were all shitty swimmers. Meanwhile, Georgian villagers living South Ossetia who had been secretly given AK-47's by the Georgian government received their orders, and went out to kill their Ossetian neighbors and friends in order to make room for new, ethnically pure neighbors and friends.
To defend itself, South Ossetia only had lightly armed militia and volunteers, who quickly sprung into action. They fought the Georgians bitterly, street by street, and destroyed a few Georgian tanks with RPGs. They knew they couldn't win on their own, but they also knew it was only a matter of time before Russia, their pissed-off Mama Bear, moved in and raped the living shit out of the Failiorgians.
In what was probably one of the worst mistakes ever in wartime, the Georgians attacked the Russian peacekeeping base. Even then, the outnumbered and outgunned Russian peacekeepers beat them back, so they shelled it, killing 10 Russian soldiers and wounding 30. That was pretty much the point of no return. From then on, Georgia had sealed its fate.
The Georgians had a brilliant plan: they wanted to blow up the Roki Tunnel to prevent the Russians from coming in, thinking that the Russians would not be guarding it with SpetzNaz. The entire Georgian "special force" sent in to destroy it was completely wiped out. What sort of moron takes on the SpetzNaz? Oh right, the planners of this war.
Russian ground forces began arriving through the Roki Tunnel, ensuring the fail of the Georgian attack. As their advance column moved in, Georgian commandos jumped out and headed right for a group of journalists with a column. When one of them shouted "I'm a journalist", a Failiorgian responded with "and I'm a killer", then started throwing grenades. Since they caught the Russians by surprise, they actually managed to destroy a few APCs in the battle and kill a Russian major (who had previously taken a trophy Georgian machine gun and had killed a Failiorgian "commando" with it despite being hit in both legs), but its commander, the general in charge of the entire Russian 58th Army, got away with shrapnel in his leg. In the end, the entire Georgian unit was wiped out. Further Georgian attacks against Russian forces coming through the Roki tunnel ended with massacre, pwnage, and butthurt (for the Failiorgians, that is).
Meanwhile, the Georgians had fought their way into the city center of Tskhinvali. Three hours later, as 1,500 Georgian soldiers were chillin' in the town square, Russian air and artillery power suddenly hit them full force. Those who survived the initial assrape quickly scurried away. It was the first hint of what was to come.
As the Russians began to move in, the Georgian government began whining to the world about being the victim, and constantly whining about how Russia was invading a smaller country to try to bring it under control. Saakashvili, realizing that he was in extremely deep shit, was hoping that the Americans and NATO would save his ass before Russian tanks were in Tbilisi and he was hanging from a lamppost.
Having the World's most maneuverable army, the Russians were successfully conducting a flanking maneuver, when one of its vehicles, a BMD-1, carrying five Air Desantniks, broke down. Another vehicle stayed behind to tow it. Meanwhile a Georgian engineering company was conducting a "rapid retreat" and ran into the Desantniks. Despite being outnumbered, 50 to 10, the Desantniks pinned the MPRI trained Georgians in a building, and kept them there until the arrival of the Russian tanks, which then destroyed the entire building. Georgian casualties: 17 dead, 33 captured. Russian casualties: well, erm, one of the suits was dirty, and had to be dry cleaned, that counts, right?
Meanwhile, a Georgian tank unit tried to hit the Russians in the flank as they were pouring into South Ossetia. Too bad for them, the Russians spotted them and already had some artillery set up. In the resulting turkey shoot, the Russian gunners blasted the Failiorgian tanks to scrap metal.
As the Russians poured in, they and their Ossetian allies began to push back and clear Georgian forces out of Tskhinvali. The Red Air Force blasted the Failiorgian artillery, turning its NATO-supplied guns to burning twisted hulks. Facing nonstop bombardment from Russkie jets and artillery, and getting slaughtered in street fighting with vastly superior Russian forces, Georgian infantry began to abandon their position, leaving their tanks exposed for Russian armor and Ossetian militiamen armed with RPGs to pick off.
The Failiorgians realized that they were in deep shit, so they retreated from South Ossetia, but then regrouped and tried to push back in and this time, they almost won. Their sneak attack was a total surprise, as the Russians did not think they would actually come back for moar after the asskicking they had received. They were overjoyed when they saw the Russians falling back. In reality, the Russians were performing a tactical retreat, in a virtually abandoned city, planning a perfect, large scale ambush. The Georgians now thought it was their turn. They thought that they managed to push the Russians and Ossetians to the outskirts of Tskhinvali, until the Russians and Ossetians counterattacked with fresh Russian reinforcements from the Roki Tunnel, ensuing full scale slaughter of the Georgians, and a major embarrassment for NATO, causing their stocks to plummet.
The Georgians then retreated, and then tried to push into Tskhinvali one last time. This time, they were immediately met by a Russian counterattack with some Ossetian help. This attack, known in South Ossetia as the "Tskhinvali Turkey Shoot", resulted in yet another massacre of the Georgian Army. Georgian commanders described the Russian counterattack as "something from hell". Well, don't mess with Russia, and you won't be in hell.
The Failiorgian Army retreated from South Ossetia in a shambles. As they retreated, their columns were bombed and shredded by the Russian Air Force. In one instance of super-fail, a few Russian BMPs caught an entire convoy of Georgians fleeing in pickup trucks, and proceeded to massacre them with glee.
Operation Clear Field, or, Saakashvili's attempt to emulate Hitler and Pol Pot, ended in massive fail. The Georgian Army withdrew in shambles, leaving their dead soldiers, destroyed tanks, and intact military equipment they abandoned behind. Among the bodies found were black men in NATO uniforms. Since there are no niggers in Georgia, they obviously were Amerofag instructors training the Georgians on how to properly enforce America's imperial interests (i.e. beat the Russian Army).
The Red Air Force in action
As the Russian Army was busy smashing the Georgians in South Ossetia, their air force was having a glorious time bombing Georgia. Georgia's NATO-built military bases were shredded. In one attack, the Russians destroyed fully half the Georgian Air Force, in other words seven planes, was destroyed on the ground. How does one country fail so hard?
The Russians did bomb apartment blocks and killed civilians, but it was the Failiorgians' fault for having built a military base next to an apartment complex. President Sukashvili did not let his government help civilians. He preferred to simply tape civvie suffering, because he wanted moar sympathy from the Amerofags.
Hoping to claim a victory anywhere, Failorgians claimed that they shot down over 9000 Russian planes. However, after a complete analysis of the situation, the only "air victory" that the Failorgians scored, was shooting down an improperly used Russian T-22M bomber, which for reasons unknown to all sane people, decided to descend to a lower altitude, which is akin to dancing in a minefield. The TU-22M was shot down because it descended from an altitude of 16 kilometers, to an altitude of 4 kilometers. Five of the Russian crewmen were killed in the crash, and the only survivor got captured and thrown in a Georgian comfort box. Even then, out of four flying targets, the Failorgians only hit one plane. Three other Russian strike aircraft were also shot down by Georgian AA, and another three were accidentally shot down by friendly fire. Two more Russian planes took direct hits from Georgian Stinger missiles but still flew. Meanwhile, the Russian MiG-29s did not make a single mistake. In short, Russian planes outperformed all other planes in combat, while working against a modern, NATO-Radar system. For every Russian pilot killed, 10 got actual combat experience. And despite the Russian Air Force flying over 1,000 sorties, the only kills the Georgians got was due to Russian mistakes, making the so-called NATO-integrated Georgian anti-air defense, the failingest ever.
Unlike the Red Air Force losing only a few planes and 5 airmen killed during the entire war, the Franco-Americunt forces had a total of seventeen of their high end aircraft shot down during the first day of Desert Storm (a.k.a. the "good war") by 50-year old sandnigger AA-guns. The supposedly elite NATO trained and standardized Georgian air defense, couldn't even do a quarter of that in five days even with the latest AA missiles.
The Abkhaz Campaign: A Very Brief Description
While the Georgians were getting raeped in Ossetia, the fellow breakaway Republic of Abkhazia honored its defense treaty with Ossetia, and launched an all out assault in Kodori Valley. They were doing great, but after killing their first two Georgians, they got a call from Russia:
Russians: "Why are you fucking attacking without massive artillery support when we have it?"
Abkhaz: "Oh come on, it's Failorgians!"
Russians: "Oh yeah? How many casualties you guys have?"
Abkhaz: "Two wounded one dead. Can we continue?"
Russians: "Damn, they are lolcows. However we need to test out our artillery system, withdraw your men!"
After a massive Russian artillery bombardment, and airstrikes against Kodori Valley, Georgian forces in the Kodori Valley were almost wiped out (The remaining Georgians "retreated in haste" from the Kodori Valley. Failorgians don't like discussing the Battle of Kodori Valley much).
The conversation then continued:
Russians: "Ok, now have fun!"
Abkhaz: "You bastards stole all the fun!"
The fighting was the "highest casualty ratio since the 1800's" a Russian commander remarked, remembering the good times, before his birth.
While all this was going on, the Russian navy moved in and imposed a blockade on Georgia, but the Georgian navy they could challenge it, so they sent out a few boats to attack the Russians. One of the boats fired a missile, causing a little bit of damage and starting a small fire on a Russian ship. The Russians then launched another missile, blowing the Failiorgian boat to bits and wiping out its crew. The rest of the boats got the message, and sailed away like the French Navy. The Failiorgian navy then sailed away to the city of Bat'umi, and left three boats behind in Poti for the Russians to take.
With the Kodori Valley cleared, the Abkhaz proceeded to cross into Georgia, accompanied by 6,000 Russians who have not seen any combat action, and pay a visit to Poti, Khobi, Zugdidi and Senaki, looting the shit out of military bases. The local Georgian leaders quickly promised not to resist, meaning that the Russians could basically have a field day. The Russians moved into the city's port and dynamited the three boats the Georgians had left behind, causing a neutral observer to remark: "what a clumsy Russian Bear, sank most of the Failorgian Navy, should've given it to the Abkhaz instead". Why the Failorgians didn't move those ships after a massive epic fail in the Black Sea, remains a mystery.
Russian soldiers thoroughly sacked the local army bases, taking away all weapons, munitions, and anything of value, including US-made Jeeps and Hummers equipped with the latest electronic war gadgets. Other loot from Poti included NATO and Israeli War Manuals, complete training exercises, a list of weapons and how to use them; overall the guides were superbly detailed. "Christmas came early" - a Russian soldier remarked. "The minute Ukraine and Georgia get into NATO, these get published" a senior Russian secret service agent grinned, leaving poor Yushenko to Bawww on the street. Suckashvili was dealing with the ass-raep his country was receiving at the moment, chewing his tie, and was just plain too busy to bawww with Yushenko.
On 11 August, The Georgians finally realized that they were neck deep in shit, and adopted the classic French military strategy by retreating like faggots, and hoping Russia decides to not raep them any more than they already have.
The Russians decided they hadn't even begun to raep and began bombing the shit out of everything; a port, some Gypsies in a apartment and some moar airfields. Meanwhile, in South Georgia, the U.S. gathered their soldiers that were training the Georgians, as well as all the other shit they had, and made a strategic retreat. The Russians then started dismantling any Georgian military equipment they could find and even stole some US hummers that the Americunts forgot to bring with them. Too bad the Failorgians took most of their equipment and vehicles with them, so that they could preserve what little honor they had left.
It's important to remember that the USA is very messed up in this shit. Georgia let the US train their armed forces, and in return they sent over 2000 troops to Iraq. Georgia is whining about how nobody cares about them and isn't sending help, and to combat the bawwwwwing, George Bush said that the attack was "unacceptable" and told Russia to "reverse it's course", which fixed everything.
Old MiG-29 in da main action
By the end of the day, all of the Georgian airspace, waters, and Ossetia ARE BELONG TO RUSSIA. Russia continued raeping the Georgians with air strikes around the raep clock, invading the fuck out of Ossetia, taking over the Georgian Black Sea, and prepared to invade from Abkhazia, completely fucking up the Georgians.
In the Black Sea, the Ukraine said that all Russian ships that leave the Russian ports in the Ukraine are going to be b& from the Ukrainian waters until the Georgians get raeped hard enough to surrender.
The Russians were pouring into Ossetia faster then Albanians into Kosovo, and were about to invade the fuck out West Georgia. This resulted in a bunch of West Georgians getting scared and moving with their auntie and uncle in Bel-Air...
Meanwhile, in Abkhazia...
11 August 2008 - Abkhazia decided that it had been left out of the drama and lulz long enough. It decided to let Russian troops enter it, and the Russians threatened to go into Georgia again, thus doubling the pwnage. Abkhazia also stole source code from geocities and made this l33t website.
Do you smell that KOROVAN?
Other than that, the Abkhazian soldiers began the quest for lulz as they engaged the Georgian Special Forces. Georgians gathered in Tblisi and chanted "meek hile, meek hile!" (moar liek 'Sieg heil', amirite?), begging for president Mikhail Saakashvili to stop acting like a faggot and actually do something.
The Russians had moar fun by bombing up Tblisi's airport, and then some shit on the outskirts. Ordinary people were buying up all kinds of shit and were worried about their assholes due to the massive raep the Russians crave. Meanwhile, Mikhail paid a visit to Gori, when a Russkie jet flew overhead. He then panicked and ran away right in front of news cameras.
12 August 2008 - As if Mikhail couldn't fag everything up a bit more, he had the French--the fucking French, the fucking failingest, most gay military in the entire world--get the Russians to sign a cease-fire while 150,000 Georgians, Azeris, Turks, Gypsies, and some Ukrainians had a massive ghey orgy while cumming to their President speaking about how they have stopped the fighting between Russia and Georgia for the time being.
Because it was covered in cum and French faggotry, the Russians threw it out the window 10 hours later. They, along with Ossetian militia, crossed the South Ossetia-Georgia border into Georgia and began to party down back in the city of Gori, Georiga.
It's a Communist Party in Gori
13 August 2008 - Looks liek they were reloading teh Soviet ræp.
OVER 9000 Russian Red Army tanks which, BTW, were borrowed by the South Ossetian military (which, if you can recall, Mikhail said was a lie. Turned out to be the Russkies all along!) set up a base of raep in Gori. They planned to show that faggot Mikhail that the Russian Red Army can easily raep them, АНД ТНАТ УЮѴ АЯЕ НЕВЕЯ ЭВЕЯ АЛЛОѴѴЕД ТО ФУСК ѴѴІТН ТНЕ МОТНЕРЛАНД ѴѴІТНОУT ГЕТТІНГ THОЯОУГЛЫ ЯЭРЬД БАЙ ТНЕ ЯЕД БЭАЯ. РОДИНА-МАТЬ!
The Failiorgian Army had regrouped in Gori after the devastating assraep it received in South Ossetian and Abkhazia. They had taken up defensive positions in the city, and had placed their heavy artillery close by to provide support. But when they heard that the Russians were coming their way, they piled into tanks, trucks, APCs, and even civilian cars, and retreated as fast as they could. They took most of their military gear with them, and what they couldn't take they left behind, including over a quarter of their advanced artillery guns. They even had most of the civvies leave. Meanwhile, the Russians entered Gori And finding it devoid of Georgians, they partied hard, slaughtered who ever was left, looted some shit, blocked off all the roads, and then partied harder. Imagine the best party you've ever been to. Then imagine everyone there having their own bottle of vodka, an AK-74 with several clips of silver bullets, and instead of Honda Civics and hand-me-down Mercedes, people showed up in the crisp, camo-painted main attack T-72 tanks parked up and down the street. It's the kind of combat U.S. armed forces desperately wish they could engage in...you know, revenge on a full scale, and really just fucking some weird ethnic minorities shit up while copping loot, wenches and engaging in free for all goatse along the way. Ha ha, well, that's kinda like our invasion of Iraq but unlike Russian special forces, we can't shoot journalists and bludgeon them with rifle butts if they happen to record instances of wrongdoing. That's what Blackwater is for!
The U.S. seems to be bound by pesky things like "international law" and "recognition of human rights" which are subjects conspicuously missing from Russian military field manuals. Because we invade on false pretenses, we have to uphold hold some sort of global image of "leading the way" in terms of warfare conduct, we basically cut ourselves out of all the cool shit that war is for.
In Gori, the Russians raked civilian apartment complexes with heavy machine guns, stole all of the military the Georgians left behind, salted fields, and impregnated Georgian vag in between lighting huts on fire with zippos and the like. Why do you think all those Russian troops are grinning like devious bastards in all the associated press photos? You would be too if you just got to use that glistening tank-mounted heavy machine gun on a marketplace full of children while you calmly sit in the hatch and pat the looted 72" Sony plasma TV, manufactured by poor enslaved Chinese, loaded next to you, knowing that's going up on your apartment wall back in Russia. The best part as when they stole all of the cool-ass NATO military equipment that the Georgians left behind during their retreat, and declared that it ALL BELONG TO RUSSIA, taking it to Moscow to be put on display.
The Russians found some military bases teeming with loot that the Georgians had left behind. After taking whatever weapons and equipment they could find, they then took literally everything that they possibly could, even the toilets. In the place of the toilets, the Russians urinated on and smeared their shit on the Hitler-esque portraits of Saakashvili adorning all rooms in the bases. The bases continued to be looted until they were simply collections of gutted buildings and empty rooms.
The Russian Black Sea Fleet and the Abkhazians prepared to re-invade the fuck out of west Georgia, while the good old U.S. of A. planned how to not do a damn thing but talk shit. Again, the whole "rape and pillage" envy thing.
Apparently the Russians--tired from all the looting, partying hard, and raep in Gori, began heading for Tbilisi with some tanks, and at least 100 APC's and trucks to fuck up the Gregorian army for the lulz (or at least that's what CNN and Mikhail are saying). They were well on their way and they're gonna have fun.
You may be asking "Where the fuck is the Failorgian Army now?" Well, if you ask they were running like the French ran from Krauts back in WWII, running towards Tbilisi every time they see a Russian due to the amount of raep they have inflicted on the Georgians. They took most of their equipment and vehicles with them, but what they left behind was tempting enough to steal and take to Mother Russia.
Yes it's true, the Russians then began hauling ass down the main Georgian highway to fuck up the Georgians Stalingrad style, and everything in Georgia west of Gori ARE BELONGED TO RUSSIA. This means at this point, the only the only major city left in the whole fucking country that hasn't been raepd to shit is Tbilisi. So yeah, the Georgians were fucked. Their paramilitaries from different Russian ethnic minorities and Ossetian militia went into Georgian villages meeting no resistance whatsoever, where they lined up all the men and slit their throats, dragged all the attractive women away to raep and eventually murder them, and forced the rest out of their homes before looting and then torching the villages. The women who survived to tell the tale to journalists were obviously very pissed off, as they were apparently not attractive.
With having raeped just about everything in the country, the Russians headed toward Tblisi in hopes of capturing that massive bitch Mikhail and giving him to Putin to personally raep. They also planned to overthrow the massive faggotry that is the Georgian military. Saakashvili and his top cronies fled to Azerbaijan to save his ass from being butthurt.
Mikhail continued to go on CNN live looking like a complete faggot, apparently attempting to spread his propaganda to the American masses in the vain hope that he could get NATO or the U.S. to keep the Russians from goatseing his ass. Since he was not a fag, Putin preferred to "hang Saakashvili by the balls" instead.
Back on the Highway to Hell
14 August 2008 - The Russians were still hauling ass along the only highway to Tbilisi, but now even the fucking Chechens are getting in on the action. The whole Red Army are going Viking on Georgia's asses; pillaging, partying hard, and raeping the fuck out of every thing of value they saw on their way to the capital of Failorgia. The Georgian army didn't do shit, due to all the fail, and instead employed classic French military tactics (ie; running like faggots).
Then the Russians realized not everyone in their army were getting medals for civilian kills, rape points, additional furlough for torching baby milk factories and the like so they sent in even moar armor and troops to take over Tbilisi, and the Chechens are taking all the shit they stole back to Chechnya to sell to Abkhazia for teh monies and Islam. After all, it's only fair to make sure even the lowliest Russian private can know the joys of lighting grain stores on fire ensuring starvation for thousands in the coming winter.
The Russians stopped here and there every once in a while to roast a good old Shashlik (Georgian-on-a-stick) to eat with copious amounts of vodka to fuel additional acts of pillage (fun). A few times they came across some non-pussy Georgians, but when that happened the Russians just raeped them in a minute, roasted them, ate them, and got back on their way. Meanwhile, the Ossetians stole all their equipment and headed back to Ossetia with their loot and bitching new Land Rovers which the Failiorgians forgot to take with them, to clean up all the Georgians the Russians missed. After mopping up, they again caught up with the Russians, stole all the military shit the Georgians didn't take with them and the Russians didn't destroy, headed back... and planned to repeat until Tbilisi falls.
Even though Gori ALL ARE BELONGING TO RUSSIA, the Russians decided that they didn't want it due to all the faggotry of Georgia, and the fact that there is no more loot to steal. Now they are simply abandoning it to back up the zerg rush in Tbilisi.
Meanwhile the Georgians were bawwwing that the Russians were bombing Gori when in actuality, all the Russians did was simply smash some military bases. The Georgians were still running their asses back to Tbilisi to keep the Russians from slamming their red cawk up Georgia's already bloody asshole.
After looting and fucking up Georgia's main Black Sea port in true Viking fashion, and sinking four out of nineteen boats of the Georgian Navy, the Russian Red Navy's People's Marine Corps were on their way to take over Georgia's second largest (and second-to-last city) that's not ALL BELONG TO RUSSIA with over 9,000 tanks to fuck up everything. FAUX NEWS confirmed that over half of his country ARE BELONGS TO RUSSIA.
Anyway, it appeared that the Russians were doing exactly like the did in Poti, as they did in Gori, pillaging the shit out of everything and then heading on to the next biggest city to raep the fuck out of and PARTY HARD, but this time they are going all the way.
Then the whole Georgian military headed to Tbilisi to keep the Russians from taking their last city and defend it just like the 300 Spartans beat the Persians, but they were going to do it in the most faggy fashion EVAR and fail hard, due to the massive raep that the Russians hunger for.
In the meantime the Georgians did jack shit to keep the Russian Raep Machine from being IN THEIR COUNTRY, KILLIN their D00DS - all while Mikhail was boarding a flight down to Azerbaijan to keep himself from getting raeped hard personally by Putin.
Pissed that Russians stole all their pr0nz, cp, and torrents in Gori, the Georgian Army retaliated by shooting at WESTERN REPORTERS on the territory Georgia still held, for the lulz (and possibly also try to blame the Russians for it), since it's about the only thing the Georgians could do to get America to save them.
The Withdrawal Method
15 August 2008 - Saakashvili, bawwwing from the massive amounts of raep given to him by the Russian Raep Machine, signs another cease-fire and begs like a bitch for Russia to sign it. Russia, having run out of things to raep, signs it for the lulz. The Jewnited States immediately starts talking all sorts of shit, saying stuff that you'd expect to hear from a butthurt ex-girlfriend...
Russia could care less about because it just busted the biggest nut evar in the face of one of it's former territories, and also knows the US is already fighting two losing wars and probably won't start a third.
Wait for it...
They blew up another Georgian ship and took prisoner some 22 Georgian armyfags approaching them on top of that, and just to make the point that the U.S. can't do shit, the good old Russians stole a couple of bitching U.S.-made Georgian Army Humvees which the Georgians apparently couldn't afford and still have to pay for since their name is on the lease. Shit!
Meanwhile back in East Georgia, the Russian got within 25 miles of Tbilisi to piss off the Georgians even more, while they destroyed or stole all the Georgian shit, cut the throats of all the men and boys, and raeped all the attractive women. The Georgian Army sent a convoy of their "Special Forces" in pickup trucks, but then they panicked and ran when they actually got close.
The Russians moved towards the Georgian village of Lamiksana, but the Georgian Police decided to stop them. How? By arranging their cars and pickups in a line to block the path of the Russians. The Russians then drove their tanks and APCs right through the lines and smashed up the cars, just as the terrified cops ran away and didn't do shit.
The Russians slowly began to pull out of Georgia, and the Georgian military went back heavily armed in their combat vehicles (the ones they actually took with them while retreating), but they only got close when they were SURE the big bad Russians were long gone. Then, the Georgian Police came back to the cities, while civilians returning found everything of value in their homes was gone.
However, the Russians did not fully withdraw, as that would be bowing down to the Jewnited Nations. They built fighting positions inside Georgia near the South Ossetian and Abkhazian border that they called "buffer zones", set up two checkpoints near Gori, and two observer posts near Poti. When hundreds of Georgian soldiers in armored vehicles and pickup trucks came forward to reclaim territory, all it took was a few shells to send the vehicles driving away at full speed and frightened Georgian soldiers utilizing French tactics and running like hell. The Georgian Army did not aspire for another asskicking, so they kept their distance, but Georgian citizens were outraged, and hoped that their human chains and protests and demonstrations would convince the Russians to change their minds. The Georgians and the Amerofags couldn't do shit, but the Russians eventually tired of their little games, and after two months they dismantled their checkpoints, and pulled out of Georgia. The Georgian Army then rolled in with its surviving tanks and APCs to Protect the citizens against future Russian aggression. They held a patriotic celebration, planted the Georgian flag, and took patriotic photos of the whole thing to show the Army "liberating" the last piece of Georgian territory.
- 500 soldiers dead
- 1,964 soldiers wounded
- 36 cops
- 228 civilians
- 12 prisoners
- 65 out of its 191 T-72 tanks and some other armored vehicles, some burned, some taken as loot
- 1,700+ small arms
- Some of its NATO-made artillery and air defense and advanced targeting systems
- Some NATO war guides, packed lunches, and combat gear
Half of its Air Force Some of its Navy
- Two branches of its military were raped so hard, that it took a full year to rebuild them to their former strength. Bawwwwww.
- Its self-pride and dignity
- 71 soldiers dead
- 283 soldiers wounded
- 2 tanks, but they gained 44, so who gives a shit about 2 tanks?
- 6 planes (3 of them from friendly fire)
- 12 prisoners
Remember how NATO thought that its Georgian toy soldiers would stand up to the bear? How's that theory coming along now, Jew-slaves? As for you, Georgia, remember your failed attempt at ethnic cleansing, dubbed "Operation Clean Field"? How'd that turn out for you? Not the big bad tough guy anymore, eh?
Moral of the Story: Don't fuck with the Russian Bear, for it assraepes those who fuck with it.
Jews/Illuminati/CIA plan out the conspiracy
Yup, Jews are at it again.
Pretty Raep Machine
8 August 2008 - Russia cranks up the raep machine and sends it into South Ossetia to raep and party hard.
BEHOLD! Elite Russian RÆP troops on parade!
Akhbazia and South Ossetia are now countries...
Russia, tired of the U.S. and NATO spamming "GEORGIA'S TERRITORIAL INTEGRITY, GEORGIA'S TERRITORIAL INTEGRITY, GEORGIA'S TERRITORIAL INTEGRITY" after they recognized Kosovo in the same way while not giving a fuck about Russia declared that they now recognize South Ossetia, and Abkhazia, which means that Georgia failed hard in the end, and the Russians just want the U.S. just to shut the fuck up with the spamming. As predicted, the U.S. increased its spamming, and bawwed for weeks on end, and as a "fuck you" to Russia, sent more weapons to Georgia.
Now even moar butthurt, Georgia announced that they were cutting their 2 inch diplomatic cock off from Russia, and now are taking the money they spend on the Georgian Embassy which is about enough to replace about 3 pick-ups. The Russia Ministry of International Fuck Yous said that, saying that the 600,000 to 1 million Georgians in Russia would be left to the mercy of fate, and there's now talks of setting up a Georgian Hunting season in South Ossetia. Unfortunately, there are no Georgians left to hunt in South Ossetia, and if their militia were to cross the Georgian border, it would
get its ass kicked fucking hard Have the Georgian Army running scared back to their leader.
Responsibility and Bawwwing
This section can easily be summed up as the Georgians attacked, and the Russians, being Russians, over-reacted. Saakashvili’s theory is that mystic Russian forces entered Georgia’s territory, using a Martian Stealth Shield. As with all Neocons who imagine shit that doesn’t exist, (see WMDs in Iraq and Saddam-Osama links), Saakashvili attacked. Seeing their troops and civilians under attack, the Russians promptly kicked the Georgians out of Ossetia. And then it happened: Russia saw bases to plunder, and military infrastructure to destroy. When you have nothing between you and the military base of the country that attacked you, loot it in the name of self-defense! And that’s what the Russians did.
EU being useless as usual
A year after the war, the European Union wrote a report on it. As with all things where Britain and France had to agree, the Report cost millions of dollars and restated the obvious, except in complex legalese format. The Wikipedos hailed the Report as a savior and built an altar around it, making it the largest single-source section in the article. WP:Dear Reader would disagree, due to all the legalese junk, but when the British and French agree on something, the Europeans must tell everyone about it, irrespective of whether it’s needed or not. It’s not needed, as the OSCE watchdog and all of the sane ambassadors concluded in days, what the report took a year to conclude. If you are wondering what that is, re-read the previous paragraph.
Bawwing about non-existant shit
After the Ossetian War ended, both sides claimed genocide, or ethnic cleansing in the alternative. Neither HRW nor any other sane organization confirmed genocide or ethnic cleansing, as it is not possible to confirm something that doesn’t exist. That didn’t stop the Wikipedos from creating an article on it, because after all, non-existent events deserve articles too! Just for the lulz, Russia and Georgia sued each other in the International Court of Human Rights, showing a better sense of humor than most Wikipedos.
HRW Stating the Obvious
The HRW found out that the Georgians have mercilessly shelled a civilian city, that had more civilians then military, and denied the civvies escape routes. Much to Saakashvili’s surprise the HRW found that illegal. The HRW also found arson illegal. Marauding was also branded illegal. Naturally no realistic solutions were offered to fix the problems.
The war really pissed off the HRW. How can both sides use cluster bombs, so damn effectively, when HRW is trying, and miserably failing, to ban their use?! The HRW boldly condemned the use of cluster bombs, and got laughed at by the International Community, which signed a Convention to allow greater use of cluster bombs. "Shit, they’re going to be used illegally anyways, might as well make it legal," the head of the Convention said. Cluster Bombs 1,000 – HRW 0.
HRW + NYT Misstating the Obvious
However HRW and New York Times both got their numbers wrong. Out of a population of 15,000, the HRW claimed that 20,000 could not return home, while the New York Times raised that number to 30,000. The entire coverage of the war by the New York Times was so spectacular, that the newspaper received the Stalin Pravda Award, previously given to Baghdad Bob. Despite the fact that the war had roughly 722 military deaths, (500 Georgian, 150 Ossetian, 1 Abkhaz and 71 Russian) and under 600 civilian deaths, (365 Ossetian, first 69 then 228 Georgian and a Darwin Award recipient, totaling 584), the New York Times proceeded to claim that “civilian deaths greatly trumped military deaths”. However with Saakshvili at the helm, the Georgian number of civilian deaths is likely to grow to 400 soon. These people must have a time machine, that they use to go and get killed. Of course the NY Times also claimed Genocide, on the basis of [insert fact here, the NYT doesn’t really have any facts to prove genocide]. Does anyone take them seriously?
The International Reaction ranged from countries stating that Russia was ebil, to countries stating that Russia Rocks! It was anything but unanimous. As for the average person, they just didn’t give a shit. Here’s a sampling:
George Bush condemned Russia’s provocative, illegal, and aggressive acts of defending its citizens, looting NATO war guides, capturing American-made equipment, and embarrassing the crony he placed in power. “A country cannot invade another country in the 21st Century,” Bush said, just before ordering another bombing of Baghdad. To make up for all the butthurt, the U.S. sent a bunch of aid to Georgia, but to Bush's utter shock, the Russians actually stopped and inspected it, causing even MOAR butthurt to Bush. When Obama came to power, he realized how badly the Georgians lost and realized that Russians might actually be helpful, reworded Bush’s stance, merely stating what the US Ambassador said on the second day of the war: “Russia went too far in its retaliation”. This caused Saakashvili to claim that he’ll bawww until 2013!
The Jew David Milliband, or Millipede as he is adoringly called by his fans, blamed Russia for being ebil and mirrored Bush’s language, showing that the Colonial relationship is still there, but with Washington being the master. Hey the Brits were on top all this time, might as well be on the bottom for once. After finding out that Russians stole NATO Guides, he called Saakashvili’s actions of failing at ethnic cleansing, killing peacekeepers, destroying an entire city, totally getting his ass kicked, and lying to the entire world, "reckless”, and saying that even with Georgia doing what it was, it did not justify "one country invading another", just as more British troops were being sent to Afghanistan. Eventually the Amerofags got Gordon Brown, their favorite Euro-poodle, to announce that he'd do whatever it took to counter Russkie aggression in the form of threatening sanctions, drawing up a UN resolution condemning Russia, and generally holding his breath until he got what he wanted. This was a SRS BIZNS attack on the Russian people as it almost caused the entire population of Russia to die of laughter.
President Yushenko threatened to close Russia’s base in Crimea, which caused everyone in the Ukrainian Army to piss his pants because of the smackdown by Russia that would follow, and which caused Prime Minister Timoshenko to call Yushenko “an idiot”. Prime Minister Timoshenko then said that Ukraine stood with the democratically appointed emperor of Georgia. Meanwhile Ukrainian Parliament Member Valeriy Konovalyuk was interested where all that money for equipment transferred to Russia through Georgia went, and demanded to check Yushenko’s Swiss Bank Account. This caused Yushenko to shut his trap. The commander of the Ukrainian Navy ordered his ships to block Russian ships from reentering their base in Crimea, but the highly trained Ukrainian sailors did not know how to swim, so they told him to "do it himself". To make up for this major butthurt, Ukraine began sending more weapons to Georgia by ship, while openly bragging about it to Russia. However Yushenko and Timoshenko lost the Ukrainian elections to pro-Kremlin candidate, Yanukovich, who is now looking at Yushenko's Swiss Bank Account and thinking about Christmas.
The Chinese Foreign Ministry said that "China expresses great concern over the escalation of tension and armed conflicts in South Ossetia", after realizing that if world attention turned away from the Beijing Olympics, the Chinese Government could lose billions of dollars. China called for the "Olympic Truce" to be respected, and asked both sides for an immediate cease-fire as its police beat up and shot hundreds of Tibetans, then took them to prison where they assraped them (Literally!).
France decided to try to organize a ceasefire (NOT a surrender). When their peace treaty was signed, the Russians sent a tank column towards Tblisi while the Georgian Army ran from it, thinking that the French would not respond in any way (given French history), but showing a bit of courage and pride, President Sarkozy formally complained about Russia's breaking of the cease-fire. To avoid pissing off either Bush or Putin, Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchener said that France did not care about who was good or bad, it just wanted to stop the war. However this was too bold of an action for France to take on it's own, so they begged for German help.
Germany agreed to negotiate a cease-fire with France, but leaned towards Russia. This pissed off Bernard Kouchner of France, who bawwwed all by himself and wasn’t allowed in the negotiating room. At the same time, Chancellor Angela Merkel said that she found some of Russia's actions "disproportionate", but that "both sides" were to blame, to avoid pissing off the Russkies or the Amerofags. After Germany accused Georgia of breaking a cease-fire and attacking South Ossetia, it then said Russia was "equally guilty" for enforcing international law and preventing Ethnic Cleansing.
When Russia began assraping Georgia, President Saakashvili personally got on CNN and asked the world to stop Russia's merciless and horrific aggression so that he could continue his own. Sukashvili then said that the Russians bombed Tskhinvali and killed Ossetians to make him look bad!!! WTF!!!??? He called Russia's actions of stopping his ethnic cleansing operations "illegal". As Russian tanks rolled into Georgia and the Georgian Army ran in the opposite direction to save itself from being totally destroyed, the Georgian government begged the world to step in to prevent its downfall. When no one did, Georgia realized for the first time that it was all alone facing a superpower, and began crying for a cease-fire. Saakashvili fled Georgia.
Prime Minister Putin called the US a bunch of hypocrites for bombing Iraq and hanging Saddam, and hinting he was going to do the same, and put in a pro-Russian puppet. Putin then told French President Sarkozy that he was going to hang Saakashvili by the balls. However, Putin failed, because he could not find a rope tiny enough to fit Saakashvili's balls. Russia ignored all the protests from Europe and the USA, and Putin and President Medvedev almost died laughing when hearing of "consequences" of throwing a U.S. crony from power, knowing very well that Europe could not do shit when Russia gives them gas and has nukes, and that the U.S. couldn't do shit either while getting its ass kicked in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Another "fuck you" by the USSR
After making sure that they were capable of Nuking Europe into oblivion without the Iranian missile shield shooting them down, the Russians decided to piss off the Americans and Eurofags even more by showing that they can't do jack shit to the Red Empire.
ANNEXING SOUTH OSSETIA INTO THE RUSSIAN EMIPIRE
Thus making the Georgians fail even greater. Now the Russians are booting everyone who's still gay for Mikhail out of South Ossetia, which is about as common in Ossetia as a nigger in a Klansman house.
Nicaragua finally gets revenge for the Contras
In a bid to get revenge for being pwnd by American backed freedom fighters  at least 100 years ago, Nicaragua has recognised South Ossetia. This is lulzy because the reason the US sent the goon squad in in the first place was because it feared that Nicaragua would become a pawn of Moscow.
Expect many other countries that America has pissed off in the past to follow suit. Payback's a bitch!
Russia finds some Jew Airfields in Failorgia
Deciding that they wanted to find out where the 100 Jew UAVs that they have shot-down over Ahkazian waters been coming from, they decided to raid two Georgian Air fields.
But to their surprise, they uncovered that the jews secretly had bought the Airfields from the Georgians with their jewgolds so they could do Iranian nuclear power plants, and found out that the Jews have been spying on South Russia, East Kazakhstan and North Iran.
After finding out that the Kikes are spying on them, and had bought 2 air fields from the Failorgians, the Russians responded by stealing the kike technologies, and then Selling Iran and Syria moar AA and tanks. Of course, the Failiorgians got away with most of their UAVs.
Mutiny for the Lulz Time to blame the Russians
9 Month after the country he was playing for got pwnt by the motherland, A Good Old Soviet Commander in what left of the Georgian Army balls his self after the Russians gave him many of the jew golds they found at the Isreali Airfields they raided, decided me to troll the fuck out of him and before NATO sent 1000 Polack and Frenchie troops to a base 30 miles away.
On the eve of the Polacks and Frenchies ariving, he started a coup encompassing nearly all the Georgians that weren't still gay for Sakhasivilisi that hadn't already defected to Russia, managed to gather a 500 soldiers and 30 tanks (about half of the Georgian Tanks left when the Red Army Somehow missed them) called up Sahaaksivillis to tell them that they to come and get 'em!
Saaskisvilli immediately got butthurt and sent over 9000 soldiers and cops along with Georgia's last remaining tanks and helicopters to surround the base they took over they stated they wouldn't use force and would stay inside the barracks, and promptly ended the coups peacefully.
This of course was all bullshit, and one of Saakhasvilli's fake, shitty attempts to blame the Russians for everything in hops that NATO will let them join them, like Georgian soldiers attacking Western Reporters then promptly claiming they were Russian despite the fact that the fucking reporters they were shooting at knew they were Georgian.
What war would be complete with a Darwin Award? Originally the Darwin Award was going to go to Saakashvili, for fucking with Putin, but Saakashvili ran off to Azerbaijan, like a true Neocon commander, boldly abandoning his troops in the face of the Russian Bear. The award was picked up by a Nordic Idiot, Stan Storimans, proving once again that the Nordic Race is just as stupid as any other race, but since some Nazi fags still consider themselves the superior race, despite getting assraepd, (quite literally,) in the World's Second Attempt to end all wars, it is insulting to them to mention Storimans' stupidity. Do it as often as you can, do it over 9000 times!
Here's what happened: The Red Air Force was bombing Failorgia in a north to south pattern. The Russians have just bombed an area north of where Storimans was located. The area Storimans was in, had a tank battalion and an ammunition dump. "Clearly the area is safe for filming", concluded Storimans, and began filming. The Iskander promptly delivered Storimans' Darwin Award on the wings of "tough love". To make this even more lulzy, Storimans was killed in Gori, Georgia, Stalin's city of birth. Go Slavs go, deliver Darwin Awards to the Nordic Idiots!
—A patriotic Westerner, who supports the centrist politics of such two-party states as the USA and the UK.
- Georgia gov reports (LOL feel free to h4xor the shit out of SRV.)
- Russia Foreign Intelligence (LOL feel free to h4xor the fuck out of it)
- Have your hate-filled, anti-Russian propaganda given to you daily from the BBC.
- Have your hate-filled, Soviet propaganda given to you daily by Russia Today.
- Georgia's Aggression Against South Ossetia Video.
- IMINT/UNOSAT Ossetian militias looting and burning down ethnic Georgian villages
- The South Ossetia War from Russia's point of view
- Russia explains all
- Limeys decided to change their minds and accuse Georgia of starting the party. Everybody's guilty, except from teh Great Empire!
- Amerifags starting to get the truth from NY Times. Why so slow?
|Featured article August 12, 2008|
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|Featured article September 14, 2009|
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