Latin is the name of the language used by the guys who ran the Roman Empire. Its distinct lack of native speakers makes it a so-called 'dead language'; dead language being the technical term for, 'all the people who talked like this are dead'. What this, essentially, means is that Latin is only used by know-it-all virgins that can't get it up; the sad people who spend their fucking lives with Latin (or any other dead, basically useless language) are called 'philologists'. Famous philologists you may have heard of include J.R.R Tolkien, and our batshit friend, Fred Nietzsche
Latin has also been in use for centuries as an instrument of torture in schools; for example, Latin is taught in English fee paying schools (confusingly called Public Schools), and also sometimes single gender schools. This is so that, should you meet or dig up a dead Roman in England, you can at least flame him in his own language.
"I know Latin, I has studied it" is one of the most used phrases regarding the subject, and is commonly used by learned gentlemen in order to garner respect on the tubes from easily impressionable faggots.
Contemporary Latin Use
Today Latin is used primarily by three groups, two of which hate each other:
- Law students use a limited amount of Latin when they are not getting arrested for DWI (Latin exams usually consist of crossword-puzzles and/or multiple-choice-tests for retards).
- Scientists of all kinds, from biologists to
philosopherslol, Philosophy isn't a real science, use Latin for all the important things - such as categorization of anything they see (Latin has better affixes than Diablo II, AND you can call it 'taxonomy', which makes it sound better than 'making lists'!), and catchphrases. Astronomers (People who spend their lives staring into space) also use Latin. This is fairly noticeable since all of our planets are named after Roman gods (although everyone knows that the Roman gods are just autistic, plagiarized versions of the Greek ones).
- The Catholic Church, in contrast, generally uses a mangled form of Latin to tell regular folk how evil they are, and for secret communiques to its priests regarding taking it in the ass. Until the 1960's, most Catholic masses were given completely in Latin, mostly as a means to make sure the layman had no idea what the fuck was going on. Some Argue that this may have been done on purpose in order to further subjugate any given congregation to it's priest. The Vatican's manual, written in Latin and fittingly called the 'Vulgata', is considered the quintessential coffee-table book.
True to its roots, everybody that regularly employs Latin in normal speech is a voracious pedophile.
Latin devolved into the "Romance Languages" such as French, Italian, Portuguese, Spanish, Romanian, and Romansh, 80% of English, (some) German, et cetera. Ergo one could say it never really died, unlike Punic, which is indisputably dead and gone.
Latin America is generally everything south of the United States and also Québec according to some. Latin Americans don't actually speak Latin, despite what you may assume. "Latin America" is a term that refers to the Latin heritage of the dirty Spics and Portuguese who colonized the place, since the Romans had conquered them years ago, forcing them to speak their language. The people of these places speak bastardized versions of the European languages of the people who colonized them. Hence, they are speaking a bastardization of a bastardization, like Creole. This, in combination with the intermingled blood of the African slaves, and natives, is why the entire area is dirty, smelly, poor, communist and a giant fail in general.
When Latin Teachers Go Bad
Common Latin Phrases
- Stercus Accidit - "Shit happens"
- Verbane "horreum nigrorum mortuorum" extra scripta sunt? - "Is there a sign that says 'dead nigger storage' outside?"
- Vir niger planum meum clepsit - "Nigga stole my plane"
- Caveat emptor - "The George Foreman Grill."
- A priori - "This is bullshit that comes with the game."
- A Posteriori - "This is bullshit that comes as DLC afterwards."
- Et tu, Brute - "Oh, Brutus"
- Ad fundum - "In the ass"
- In absentia - "In the ass"
- Deus ex machina - "Did you see what God just did to us?!"
- Ad hominem - "Stop picking on me or I'll cry"
- Veni, vidi, vici - "I came I saw I conquered."
- Alea jacta est - "Time to pwn some n00bs."
- Finis coronat opus - "I Did it For The Lulz."
- Manus manum lavat - "I think we can work something out."
- Etcetera - "That's all I've got"
- Praeterea sanctum nihil est neque ab inguine tutum, non matrona laris, non filia virgo, neque ipse sponsus levis adhuc, non filius ante pudicus; horum si nihil est, aviam resupinat amici. - "I'd hit that."
- TU NUB' ATQUE TACE! - "STFU, N00B!"
- Mea navis aëricumbens anguillis abundat!- My hovercraft is full of eels!
- Et nihil pretii perivit. - "And nothing of value was lost."
- Feles longa est longa. - "Long cat is long."
- Ex nihilo nihil fit. - "You can't Divide By Zero."
- Irrumare - infinitive verb, translates roughly as "to facefuck."
- lol quid - "lolwut"
- Vagina - "Sheath" (not kidding)
- Penis - "Tail" (Go get some dude)
- Globos meos lambe - "Lick my balls."
Latin is widely considered to be completely irrelevant to normal life, but this is probably because most people are retarded, and hence, noone cares about where over 9000 commonly used words in their language come from.
|Latin is part of a series on Language & Communication|
|Featured article August 5, 2005|