Originally edited by Jessica Coen✡, It is widely regarded to be a horrid abomination and hugbox for feminist extremists that could only exist in the current internets age where anything original, interesting or even slightly substantial in terms of content is all but unheard of. While independent thought has taken on an almost mythic quality, there exists a mind-numbing amount of sites bursting with clickbait to grant a sweet taste of instant gratification to the unwashed masses. Being renowned far and wide as the most inane and downright unprofessional online presence is no small feat in the age of Web 2.0; this is perhaps the only thing Jezebel can pride itself on, surpassing even Buzzfeed and fellow Gawker sites in terms of pure, unadulterated shittiness. The primary difference, however, is that while these sites can at least take heart in being light-hearted or "humorous," Jezebel takes itself way too fucking seriously and attempts to sally forth in a hilariously retarded social justice crusade, followed by its army of fat women seeking dirt on good looking celebrities that they envy.
The 3 H's of writing for Jezebel
Regular rape is rape, sexual harassment is rape, drunk sex is rape, flirting is rape. There is stare rape, virtual rape, verbal rape and fart rape (that's when a man farts on you in the street without your consent). All men who have ever been accused of rape are rapists, all men who have ever been raped are rapists, all men who have made sex jokes are rapists, all men are rapists. All sex without written consent is rape. All sex is rape. Everything is "OMG The Worst Ever". Everything is rape.
(Women can't rape)
Double standards are the only kind of standards that Jezebel has ever had.
Unlike Jezebel, other women's mags are bad for feminism and pray on women's insecurities despite both of them writing about the exact same things. They patronize women by writing about celebrity gossip, but when you read Jezebel, saying "Fuck those skinny bitches, they're not so hot" is bringing down the patriarchy.
Objectifying women is wrong (how can you even "Objectify" something that is already an object?) but writing 10 articles a day about who you would like to destroy your vagina is fine. When nudes of women are leaked it is no less than a war crime, however leaking male nudes is fine "And we will not remove them". Unless, of course, it was Gawker who publishes peephole videos of women and paid people to tell about their one night stand with a congresswomen and make fun of her hairy vagina, in which case you should not mention it if you want to keep your job.
How the fuck is any of this news? You don't need 3 articles a week about cute kittens. You're a feminist website, you're supposed to at least try to pretend not all women are retarded.
- Lindy West: Incredibly thin-skinned, which is a notable achievement for a woman of her girth. Got into a 'debate' with Jim Norton and got fucking owned. Currently being trolled by people pretending to be her dead dad.
- Isha Aran: Smelly Indian that has completely abandoned anything resembling journalism and instead whines about cultural appropriation.
- Erin Gloria Ryan: Used Paul Walker's death as an excuse to attention whore. Subsequently pwnt by old media whores. She also got punched in the face by some chick for being a cunt (unrelated to her being a cunt online) and then doxed the person who punched her while, all-the-while, claiming it isn't dox.
- Mark Shrayber: Token male homo to close that gender gap.
- Emily Gould: Used to write for them but then wrote an article to expose what cunts they are. Currently in therapy because Jimmy Kimmel made fun of her.
- Tracie Egan: Wrote an article about how she paid a male prostitute to rape her because she's too fat to find a man that would do it for free. Later, in an interview, she said it was actually the site that had paid for it and that it was because SHE IS TOO SMART TO GET RAPED.
- Everyone Else: Jezebel writers are so alike you can't tell them apart.
Kick the Darkie to the Curb
It's not that the cunts at Jezebel are a bunch of racists (yes, they are), it's that if the owner of the site was black she would out-victim them and win all the "I'm more oppressed" pissing contests. So obviously they had to hire a new white lady from outside to avoid this.
We are offering $10,000 to rebuild our self esteem
When they are not bitching and moaning about patriarchy and stare rape, the writers of Jezebel enjoy whining about how so unfair it is that other women, generally those who are not insane, landwhale blog jockeys, are so much more beautiful than the staffers. In order to provide some sense of twisted vindication for this laughable jealousy, they have offered bounties for original, unretouched photos of models. When someone eventually decides that a few thousand dollars is worth risking their career, they offer up the pics; the writers then engage in the classic high school girl's game of "Look! She's not that pretty! Will you take me to dinner now?".
To date, this tactic has proven unsuccessful (maybe because even without retouching any Hollywood starlet is still hotter than them) and they later used it again on the supposedly "proud fat woman" Lena Dunham. Endless hilarity came from watching feminist fatties turning on each other.
Jezebel staff gets raped
At one point, the kind residents of the internet decided to give Jezebel what it loves most: Rape.
Their comment section was flooded with gifs of rape porn which was very "triggering" for them, so (in classic Gawker logic) they started writing attack articles about their own parent company for not doing anything about it.
Former writer exposes Jezebel to be shit
Emily, whom we mentioned at the writers section of the article, in a typical fit of female hysteria (to which she is more prone than most), wrote an article about Jizzebel and.... well... read for yourself:
Journalism for the womenz
- Social Justice
- Rape culture
- Lena Dunham
- At least it's not TheMarySue (although both are feminist sub-divisions of a parent site that's blatantly misogynistic)
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|Featured article November 19 & 20, 2014|