Gerald Celente

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Gerald Celente, internet pornographer and trends forecaster, is one of the stranger creatures to wash up on the shores of ED from that freak-ocean known as the internets. In fact, it has been argued that Celente actually predates the internets itself. Celente opened The Trends Research Institute -- an institution from which Celente projects his mental illness into the rest of the world -- in 1980. For internets users who cannot remember this primitive era in human history it is perhaps worth referring to it as pre-NES.

Since the launch of the internets, however, Celente's brain-disease has spread far beyond the wackos and survivalists who used to fap to pre-internets magazine pessimism porn issued by the Trends Research Institute. Celente now pollutes Jewtube with his inane ramblings and unintentionally hilarious "schtick". And with this shift in the medium used, Celente's product has gone from softcore to hardcore.

The Trends Research Institute

Celente and the Trends Research gang hard at work.

The idea behind The Trends Research Institute was, like many inventions devised while in the throes of paranoid schizophrenia, to predict the future. Celente and his band of merry men would try to spot trends in global happenings. These "trends" would mainly be derived from reading newspapers, watching the mainstream news channels and listening to statements from politicians. However, Celente and the Trends Research Institute would then go on to ridicule newspapers, mainstream news channels and politicians.

In short, Celente and the TRI invented Jewtube punditry before the dawn of the internets itself. While most people had to wait for the anonymity that the internet gave them to offload their embarrassing personal defects upon others, Celente was well ahead of the game. It should also be mentioned that Celente is a Jew, making all his statements instantaneously 15% more humiliating than they would otherwise be.


Gerald Celente: Proof that Jews have more genes in common with tiny monkeys than they do with other humans.

Celente has been making predictions about just about everything for years. Basically, he just says that lots of bad stuff is going to happen without going into any real specifics. This has proved a great way to hedge his bets because whenever a bad event happens just about anywhere in the world Celente can claim that he predicted it. Celente's recipe for success thus runs something like this:

  1. Predict that everything bad that could happen will happen.
  2. Wait until something bad actually happens.
  3.  ????
  4. PROFIT!!!

This is a pretty hit or miss tactic. For example, since 1993 his vague predictions about terrorism, war and economic decline have come true; but his predictions regarding America becoming a fascist dictatorial state have not. Particularly embarrassing is when Celente dons his clown make-up and makes public predictions that there will be a meltdown on a very specific date.

End of the World Coming on New Years Eve 2011

Nevertheless, like all lunatic cranks Celente can continue to claim that all those predictions which have not yet come true will eventually. While doing this Celente can continue to track "trends" that he thinks indicates a coming fascist dictatorship. Even though this is clearly fucking st00pid, it makes for great fodder for that giant cannon of lulz that is The Alex Jones Show.

Gerald Celente Tugs His Stump HARD on AJ's Livecam Porno Show

Celente's Schtick

Celente is, of course, a lefttard. But he's more Groucho Marx than Karl Marx. Being a stinking Jewish turd-merchant his performances on Jewtube usually look like a cross between music hall and bad late-night club comedy.

Stinking Jewish Stale-Turd Lays the "Schtick" on Obama

But then, if that isn't embarrassing and weird enough, Celente will often wheel out the old Nazi aesthetics in an attempt to be taken... erm... seriously. The really strange part is that he'll start doing his Nazi salutes -- complete with tatty graphics -- while he does old lady accents (Srsly see: 2.49 onward).

Heil Obama, With Old Lady Voices

The Air Loom

Gerald Celente: The Air Loom: theory and practice.
An expert report on the Air Loom as launched by the authorities at the time.

In 1997 under the direction of Celente The Trends Research Center began constructing the Air Loom, which had been designed by Celente some years beforehand. The Air Loom was based on the sound principles of "Pneumatic Chemistry". The Air Loom was used for "Lobster Cracking" -- that is, the prevention of the circulation of blood using a magnetic field -- "Stomach Skinning" and "Apoplexy-Working with the Nutmeg Grater" which involved the introduction of fluids into the skull.

Unfortunately, a nefarious gang called the Middlemen which included the Glove Woman, Sir Archy and their horrible leader Bill or The King, managed to steal the Air Loom and turn its functions back upon Celente. Celente was, despite his suffering, more concerned that they might use the Air Loom to influence the minds of those in power and he quickly warned the authorities who promptly sent Celente to Fox's London House.

For more information on the Air Loom check out the Wiki page. [1]