Fire is what happens when nature decides to show off and have some fun. Fire has existed for at least 100 years, but was little known and rarely used until popularized by some Cheetos™ marketing campaign. Since then, civilization has carried the scars of fire to a no good extent of animal-cruelty, Tesla-coils and whatnot. Fire is something that you can never have enough of - if you can't solve a problem with fire you are either not trying hard enough or not committed enough to fixing the problem.
Uses of Fire
Fire has a variety of uses, including, but not limited to:
- Having your woman use it to make you a delicious steak on the grill and if she isn't using natural charcoal or cooked it past medium rare, go straight to her face.
- Getting rid of lice infestation in the hair
- It's because of fire that we have one of the coolest Inside Jackets to an Album. Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here.
- Not forgetting Rage Against the Machine's first album cover.
- Burning two towers filled with fat Americans
- Use it in the form of 2 really big bombs named FATASSED FANBOY and LOLI GIRL to get back at an Asian country for not being decent enough before bombing the shit out of a Hawaiian Naval Base to declare war like real civilized people.
- Time Travel, going back in time and convincing Randy Stair's mom to use it as a means of abortion consiting of a douche filled with lamp oil and a lighter.
- Burning a tower in London full of Muslims as biased revenge for ISIS attacks.
- Burning books
- Being a Buddhist Priest and using it along with gasoline to an hero and protest Vietnam
- ending your life at the behest of others
- Dramatic entrances
- Keeping warm
- Getting rid of old buildings
- Starting a flame war
- Solving the Jew problem
- Solving the pesky asians problem
- Solving the black problem
- Solving the homeless problem
- Solving the whore problem
- Burning hotels that cannot be demolished.
- In the form of Napalm use it on an Asian country of your choice.
- Solving the witch problem
- Solving almost any problem
- Giving white supremacists what they deserve (A nice hot meal)
- Cleaning up Australia
- Cleaning up Canada
- Getting rid of those pesky homosexuals and essentially cures AIDS
- Like AIDS fire can also cure all other forms of diseases including Acne
- Burning small furry animals to piss off animal rights activists who really only care about the rights of cute animals, those bigots
- Burning your own Nation then blaming someone innocent to activate Social Justice movement even further
- Taking Furfags to Hell where they can Yiff in peace
- Baking a Delicious Cake
- Getting rid of Mormons
- Burning Jews
- Putting Wiggers in their place.
- Burning California
- Clearing Large rooms of people, generally resulting in Lulz and a stampede.
- Pwning the Australians
- Use it to kill a guitarist from a has been, one hit band like Great White and 100 people who would still pay to see that band.
A Warning That Should Come With Fire
Fire is pretty nice when your woman is using it to make you a nice hot sammich, or in your case, your Mom, but it should come with a warning.
Never, ever teach the bitch how to make fire on her own because once she doesn't need you to make a fire to heat up your dinner, she will be making her own fire to heat up someone elses meals. Even worse, because they can build fire, a woman might think she's equal to a man and use that fire, when her superior is asleep, as a tool for murder because she got uppity and didn't like how her better was correcting her.
For some of you fugs, once a woman knows hiw to make fire you won't seem so attractive and will have to invent comerce and trade or start designing shoes to get back in the game because your Dad was right when he said that if a girl has a choice, she'd rather go dike than have your sweaty ass on top of her grunting away because you taught her to make fire and now you have no leverage when it comes to freezing to death at night.
A wiman should not be taught to make fire, even those cute and obediant Asian ones because it will start a long decline of civilization where a woman thinks she is entitled to half of a man's cave and furs and the squirrelly male types will give it to her because they think it will one day lead to them getting laid.
If you belong to a has been band from the 80's or any band for that matter, be smart and don't put your road manager in charge of the pyrotechnics and have the forsight to hire someone with experience. If you want to be responsable for the deaths of your band members, the audiance and get involved in a $176 million dollar wrongful death lawsuit against over educated mama's boys that only got into the game for the 1/3 take and so they could use the title Esquire after their name, then go right ahead, let just any idiot be in charge of your pyrotechnics.
If you choose to ignore this advice and want to up it a notch and look like an insensitive fuck wit Jack Russell then make sure to always go on about summer touring plans everytime you're questioned about the fire, especially when you're being interviewed at the fire and it's still raging behind you. Tell everyone how hard it has been on you and never apologize for your involvement. Most importantly, see this tragedy as a way to boost your sagging carreer.
Having sex with fire
Although it's much easier to have sex with ice, since ice forms convenient dildo shapes and thrusting your pecker into a tube of crushed ice is the closest you'll ever get to fucking a hot vampire, or reliving that time you lost your virginity in a morgue you can still have sexy fun times with fire. If you're careful.
Protection is important. A single latex condom may not provide enough protection. Consider wearing three or four.
Talk first. Sex is about mutual respect and trust. Ask the fire about its favorite hobbies, dreams, wishes, or ambitions. Make sure the fire is comfortable before you turn up the heat.
Thrust slowly into the flames. Sex is a mutual act, so be sure to watch the fire's response. If it isn't responding, try thrusting faster, followed by alternating fast-slow movemements.
If at any point your penis feels uncomfortable, or falls off, consult a health care professional.
Dispose of condoms thoughtfully.
- Show them a bottle of water.
- Remind it how badly it failed when it came to Chris Chan.
- Call them Oil-Dependent.
- Be anal about their blue and orange color.
- Constantly make jokes about getting fired.
- Ask them if it burns.
- Ask them to write their name and number on a piece of paper.
- Use particular phrases like "Must be off" and "How did you get on with it?"
- Tell them electricity works better.
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|Featured article June 17 & 18, 2017|