Update: You can own something this man did things to. Click here for details!Got sold
David Hockey (alias knightshot, midiman, Dave Crandall, Mr. Football-with-shinty-sticks) is a batshit insane sick fuck attention whore neckbeard from Canadia who, like his virtual ward Kevin Havens, likes to fuck dolls. Not just any dolls, either. He likes them made of plush and furry. Along with his buddy Doodman, he's a mousefucker much like Ray Jones. He'll settle for the silicone variety as well. He gained minor e-fame by White Knighting casperghostboy as the Something Awful Goons tore into that particular Aspie fucktard. Click here for that very thread. More recently, he's even earned a second SA thread. Click here for Round 2!. And even moar recently he's become a bit of a fixuture in the third dollfucker thread. Click here for Round 3!
Hockey claims he was researching fellow dollfuckers for a documentary he's making. He came across a SA thread about Kevin and immediately got butthurt and retaliated with an angry letter. He raged at Lowtax, which only encouraged the 'Tax to post the e-mails on the thread and make Hockey fair game. Hockey even offered himself up as a scapegoat to take some of the fire off Kevin. He ended up being a lolcow instead. Hockey couldn't handle it very well either. The internet detectives proceeded with dissecting his pathetic life simultaneously with Kevin's.
- 1 Selected Reading from the letters
- 2 Dave's Career
- 3 His documentary and its website
- 4 The rest of his life
- 5 Miscellaneous Crap
- 6 The Adventures of Midiman (who is totally NOT David Hockey)
- 7 Gallery
- 8 All Trolled Up
- 9 The Doll Defenders ATTACK!!!
- 10 Skydiving Sexdolls
- 11 Is he famous nao?
- 12 Links
- 13 See Also
Selected Reading from the letters
— David Hockey. He doesn't "get" SA, either.
Digging through the thick layers of unwarranted self-importance, NPD and IPD, it turns out Mr. Chukkas-without-horses really is a maker of films. He's done fascinating work on flax and colon health. His other work is spread throught the web like a virus. The same crap can be found on many, many sites.
Have you outgrown your teddy bear, big boi?
You have to DO IT RIGHT!
Sites featuring Dave's work
- His main business site. Notice no fuckdolls around. There are films on chicken and diabetes, though.
- Flax makes you shit moar betta.
- Hockey's YouTube. Ah, fuckdolls be here.
- He's on Current, too. Telling people how to make better films. He makes films with talking fuckdolls.
- His Revver account.
- Exposure CBC.
- Brightcove TV.
- Lulu TV.
- Our Stage.
- Another fuckin' one.
- Jesus fuck he gets around.
- Attention whore?
Dave's magnum opus is "Dave on Hold", one of Canadia's all-time most popular and award-winning films. It earned him plenty of Chuck E. Cheese tokens, which he immediately exchanged for the animatronic rodent-led band that he would later covert to furry fuckdolls. The film is a commentary on Customer Service as well as a musing on life and mortality which was originally filmed in real-time over at least 100 years. He couldn't get a proper neckbeard started so he just gradually glued pubic hair to his face. He also edited out all the incidents of dollfucking, but those will be restored in the inevitable "Super-Special-Ultra-Deluxe Director's Cut Edition".
With such a prestigious film career, Dave can afford plenty of fuckdolls to replace the wife who left him. He's so enthusiastic about them that he is the authorized reseller of TeddyBabes in Canada. It's possible he gets a discount at that, which helps him out since he spends so much money on filing lawsuits on behalf of idiots.
Dave also has a passion for music. He writes much of that which is used in his films. The songs are every bit as awful as you're thinking they may be.
His documentary and its website
Hockey claims to be making a documentary about dollfucking and has set up a site dedicated to getting material for his little project. The Doll Chronicles is that site. Here he can cavort with his fellow statuephiles and rage at the world that doesn't understand him and his kind. It was here that it was learned that he had paid a fortune to get the doll from the movie Lars and the RealGirl. It turns out the doll wasn't "functional". It's also been found that he's spent a fortune to make the doll fuckable. That day will be a very special one, as he's been waiting to fuck it since removing it from the crate.
— David Hockey. He just wants his doll to accept him.
Hockey has repeatedly denied fucking dolls and muppets, claiming that Midiman is just a personality he created in order to fit in with the dollfuckers he's researching. Kind of like how Jane Goodall learned how to hoot and hollar, pick lice, and fling feces like the black person she was researching. Then he turns around and keeps talking about how his dolls are such great conversationalists and ride his cock so well. This has only lead to him being suspected of having multiple personality disorder, if he's not just simply a troll who got too carried away with sock puppet accounts (on top of fucking sock puppets, amiright?).
He invited the Goons to discuss and debate the social ramifications of dollfucking and masturbation (a topic on which Goons are experts) as can be seen here (page 1 was BALEETED). His site was raided by Goons and he quickly put up sock puppet accounts to try and shut them up and frighten them out. He thought they were gone at one point. He was wrong. He didn't like being called on sock-puppeting. He would cry that dollfuckers are the hippies of the internet, wanting only peace and love and understanding. They would receive none. He resorted to strawman arguments and ad hominem, as can be witnessed here. This just wound up being funny and sad at the same time somehow. He was so upset he accused Lowtax of purchasing a male fuckdoll from him and having it shipped to his secret fortress in Louisiana (No shit. Check it out). He didn't know that this simply would not shock anybody. His only option was to ban the Goons and go about godmoding. Eventually he decided to go on the offense and troll Something Awful as Dollfucker, and claimed to be a woman the whole time. Of course, there are no girls on the internet. His ass was soon smashed by the banhammer. Not surprisingly, he would later claim it was actually an incompetent employee of his who played the obvious troll.
— David Hockey. Maybe he "gets" SA now?
His documentary being financed through tax provisions. He's fucking dolls and filming it on Canada's dime. Just as America has Kevin Havens living off tax money and using it to buy fuckdolls. The only thing that would be sadder would be if it turned out that Dave has financed the whole thing himself...
The site has been somewhat quieter since the Goon invasion some time ago. Mostly it's just the dollfuckers trading pix and dollpr0n now. It can be assumed that he's way too busy fucking his dolls and making movies to bother facilitating any more forum faggotry. However, he's prone to flaring up with hatred and posting inane rants about trolls from time to time just to get attention.
The rest of his life
It's been gleaned that Hockey has a family beyond his fellow dollfuckers and internet friends. He actually has 2 families; one biological and the other made up of dolls. He's said before that he's been divorced, but he's claimed to be married as well. It is inconcievable that another woman would fall for him after the first incident, but it's not impossible. Supposedly the older woman seen in one of his Christmas videos is his bio-wife. It seems he prefers the dolls, regardless. He claims he's a nice guy, and this is backed up by his constant support of ladder theory.
— David Hockey. His imaginary wife is a freak too.
— David Hockey.
— David Hockey.
For all intents and purposes, "Bianca" the RealGirl is his primary "wife". That leaves his 4 Fuck-Muppets, Mousewoman, Bearwoman, and his Bunny(Llama?)woman as "wives" #2-????. He's also recently acquired two animu-inspired fuckdolls. Plenty of pictures of them. He's like a Mormon gone horribly wrong. 3 of his TeddyWives have a website to themselves. Meet Samantha, Janelle, and Nita at The TeddyBabe Chronicles for reals ya'll! For some reason the azn doll is left out. It's on this very site Hockey lets on that he may have fucked a stuffed panda bear. No lie.
— David Hockey. Holy shit.
He also reveals that he has tried to get his dolls into a three-way... and FAILED...
Pictures of at least one of his daughters has turned up. Pictures where she's with the Fuck-Muppet that may or may not be her "stepmom". He has stated before that they live most of the time at the other end of Canada, implying they live with his ex the rest of the time. His daughters have assisted him in his music and film projects before. The idea of one of them being the "female" troll named Dollfucker on Something Awful has been thrown around. Then again, Hockey has made it clear that he doesn't want his little girls associating with Goons. He could be a long-shot nominee for father of the year.
Dave may well have killed and stuffed his parents, though there's an old man in some videos of his that is supposedly his father, but it is known that at least his mom is dead. So his father has to live with the pain of having a dollfucking fiend for a son. It seems he was adopted by a plush couple. It is a mystery best left unsolved. He still lives with them, too. "Grandpa" still likes it when his plush-tushied granddaughters/ daughters-in-law sit on his lap, though. "Grandma" knows they're all whores. That all said, one could surmise his plush wives are plush sisters of Dave's as well. Oh, fuck it. Disregard that.
Incidentally, Dave re-named the plush members of his household to have the surname Green. He did this thinking it would emphasize the fact that his plushes are biodegradable, recyclable, don't rely much on the oil industry, can help reduce heating costs, and are good for Mother Earth and all that crap. Experts say that doesn't make him any less crazy or creepy. He's still buying plastic dolls by the truckload, too.
— Chris Mitchell.
Why Wolverine of all people is giving advice on to how to get traction on a waterbed is beyond comprehension. Unless it was actually Chris Benoit who told Dave what to do. Now he would know how to grapple with a woman.
Hockey believes, as most dollfuckers do, that all dolls should be "anatomically correct". He would be thrilled if your children could play with He-Man's cock and give Barbie a good fingering. On the other hand, he believes that people should NOT be allowed to make fun of people who think molesting dolls is a good thing. Click here for moar details.
Kevin agrees with him...
- Dave also bitches about people maligning his copyright. Meanwhile, he's ripping off TIME magazine and Sony among others.
- He is currently selling his cars. Any guesses as to why?
The Adventures of Midiman (who is totally NOT David Hockey)
Dave is currently on a cross-country trip with his dolls and fuck-muppets as well as fellow dollfuckers to film his documentary. His journey is mainly to get his "wife", Bianca, a pussy. Along the way Dave films some dollpr0n, gets shot at and run outta town by cowboys, goes to L.A. Erotica, actually hangs out with real women, swings with some his dollfucking bretheren, gets menaced by Snuggles the dollraping bear, and continues bitching about Goons. It's only a matter of time before some other creep makes a pass at one of his harem and the lulz multiply beyond comprehension...
Fuck. It's already happened...
ZOMG! IT SAYS THEY'VE BEEN SO HARASSED HE MADE THE FORUMS MEMBERS-ONLY! LOL! YEAH, THAT'LL WORK!
- GUESTS MAY NOW CHAT!
- Bitches can't drive.
- Let's make some porn!
- I have a friend as creepy as me!
- Too bad it wan't hot enough in Phoenix that week to melt the dolls...
- Snuggles = Doll Rapist.
- This is how Dave gets his bitches wet...
- "Brokeback Mountain was bad enough!"
- Moar almost-raping!
- ZOMG finally Bianca gets her vagina. This thread is the best thread.
- MOUSEFUCKER MOUSEFUCKER MOUSEFUCKER!
- A video with Dave and his buddy Goldman. Goldman makes the TorsoDolls.
- Dave tests a new doll.
- DOLLFUCKER DOLLFUCKER DOLLFUCKER.
- Creepy loli dolls.
- "Why do they hate us so?!"
- "GOONS! THEY ARE EVIL!"
- "I HATE YOU GOONS!!!"
- Answer to title: No.
- Dollfights and bear castrations.
- NEW POLL: What makes you hornier? Real or silicone?
- Dave's got another new doll!
- "The Goons know their roll!
- And he's got ANOTHER doll!
All Trolled Up
All the while that Hockey was on his epic journey to procure a vagina for his beloved doll, the Goons continued to mock him. A second thread was started dedicated to him, and it promptly turned into a kind of circlejerk as all good threads do. Every time a Goon made a comment, Hockey would reply on his Doll Chronicles forum. No comment went without a response from him, thus making him look even more deranged. He just has to have the last word. The Goons would sit back and laugh at this and things would settle down, but eventually Hockey would get lonely and the voices in his head would quiet down. That's when he would seek attention by posting yet another self-righteous rant or pix of him having some kind of secks with one of his fuckmuppets. The Goons would obligingly attack him and call him on his straw man arguments and sexual deviancies. He'd go go on the defensive, the Goons would go back to other faggotry, then Hockey would get lonely again, he'd act up, restart the Internet Hate Machine, etc., etc., ad infinitum.
Eventually Goons began trolling Hockey by pretending to be fellow dollfuckers. One "befriended" Hockey, contacting him through Facebook at first, and eventually getting some lulzy comments from him about how he couldn't confess one way or the other about being a dollfucker because on one hand admitting it would be too truthful and on the other hand denying it outright would earn him the hate of the other dollfuckers.
Moar lulz were needed, so the troll even trolled themself in order to earn more of Hockey's trust. Earn it the troll did, and more madness would leak from Hockey's mouth. Hockey even stated at one point that the other dollfuckers often disgusted him and he would never willingly touch another man's fucktoy for fear of AIDS (okay, we'll give him that one...). He outted his incompetent assistants as the puppetmasters behind the midiman persona, which is only partly true. At one point Hockey described his broken marriage and his mother's illness. He also claimed that he didn't actually write the reviews on his site for the fuckdolls, but instead had some other maniac do the dirty work and describe it to him in detail. At another point he claimed the film he making was being produced by HBO, but he would later claim otherwise. He would then continue on about how he was doing the film entirely as a self-funded project and as his entry into the mainstream and that he was still trying to market it. Whatever became of the HBO deal, Dave? Srsly. His best hope is that Canadia is starting it's own porn channel (no shit, eh! Rly!) and as per Canuckistani regulations at least half of the programming will have to be homegrown. How Canada will handle his obscene lusts is anybody's guess. Not everyone there likes porn.
Eventually one of his fellow dollfuckers clued him in on the fact that he was being pumped by a troll and Hockey quickly switched gears. He tried to confront the troll and use logic to deal with them. As everybody except Dave knows, that approach always leads to fail and will inevitibly turn out to be a trap. The troll convinced Hockey to finally use his "top secret" SA account for what it was worth and confront the Goons in their own territory, as that would be the only way to pwn them, right? He made a spectacular fool of himself as goonobyl and as he reached fever pitch the troll the unleashed screencaps of the conversations with Hockey, which Hockey would consider tantamount to revealing dox. Thoroughly butthurt by this "betrayal", Hockey banned perceived trolls left and right with a fury that even blocked the better part of entire cities from accessing his site. For the sake of lulz, Hockey was allowed to stay on SA and even earned an appropriate custom title to show him just how much he's appreciated. The screenshots that caused his retreat can be found here.
Hockey then retreated to his safe silicone-lined womb in the dollfucker forums and would continue to spit hatred at the Goons from there. He would convince himself that it was HE who had made all the puppets dance, that everything that was presented by the troll was a falsehood created in Photoshop, that it was a social experiment, that his mother really loved him, and that nothing he himself had done would ever wind up reflecting badly on him, and that the world was accepting of him and his dollfucking and yet hated and rejected him at the same time.
Hockey's only eventual remaining white knight came in the form of a 16-year-old girl from LiveJournal who tried to engage the Goons in a contest of who could e-jerk the longest. She tired of it quickly and went back to trolling WOW. She can be found here.
Hockey's psyche has only continued to collapse after his mom's recent death. He has now taken over trolls' former Doll Chronicles accounts and is pretending to be those fictional characters. He's hoping to gain credibility by pointing out that Howard Stern and Ron Jeremy are dollfuckers, not understanding that they did it for the lulz and the money, essentially. Some argue that Dave is no different in those respects but Howard and Ron didn't pretend to be their dolls on the internets having cybersex with aspies, drive their dolls cross-country to have new parts installed, lurk on dollfucker forums for years, or got butthurt when people laughed at them for fucking dolls and then cried about being persecuted.
He also spends a lot of time trying to make "screenshots" in Photoshop that will absolve him of being a douchebag. His behavior indicates that he has contracted a particularly awful ETD that has also induced a case of Internet troll personality disorder on top of all the problems he already had up until recent developments. In short, he is a truly ruined dollfucking human being.
The Doll Defenders ATTACK!!!
Recently Hockey had spent most of his days fucking his new Ruby doll (who resembles a coked-up Britney Spears). After a while he tired of it and decided he had enough of his composure back to confront the Goons once more. Teaming up with Shit_Viper, a fellow bald old dollfucker, the duo unleashed massive faggotry on the SA forums and got the goonobyl account probated for a week for image leeching. Note that they were simply probated, not banned. This allowed them the chance to come back and fail once again, as we all know the third time is the charm. When they tried again, they were finally banned for their faggotry. Then Dave decided to spend a week or so fucking his new animu BoyToy doll.
It's of note that with his 3 main silicone dolls, he's assembled a group that somewhat resembles his own daughters...
Hockey was also depraved enough to engage in Santa Claus roleplaying while fucking his dolls.
He lives to rape childhoods.
Dave settled down for awhile after he and Shit_Viper were exiled from SA. Eventually he got back to working on his documentary. The big scene is supposed to be where Dave pays a shit-ton of money to some skydivers to take his fuckdoll Bianca for a skydive. Dave filmed such a scene not once but twice, once stateside and another time in Nova Scotia. Little did Dave realize the Canadian skydivers were Goons who made note of Dave's rants to nobody in particular about "that hate group Something Awful". They managed to get pictures taken with Davey's famous moviestar girlfriend and Dave eventually turned the footage from the skydives into the trailer for his film All Dolled Up...
Is he famous nao?
He was also interviewed at the Adult Entertainment Expo, and topped things off by fucking one of his TeddyBabes in front of a captive audience.
Dave is also likely to appear on the Maury show, but not to be told he's not the father. One of his dollfucking friends, keithallen, is going to appear on it and Dave wants to film the aftermath. It started with this thread in TDF, NBC-TV IS LOOKING TO INTERVIEW A REAL DOLL OWNER!, and continues in I'm doing it and Input needed. Pit Viper almost went on, but his Marylin doll blew up.
Most recently, Hockey blew a big fat wad of his IRL wife's cash to purchase both the CoverDoll Magazine website and The Doll Forum. In response to his actions, a great many dollfuckers have defected and started their own forums so they don't have to tolerate his megalomaniacal tyranny.
- The SA thread that started the drama.
- The second SA thread, continuing the drama. Goldmined.
- The third SA thread on dollfucking. Ongoing.
- Dave's "main" business.
- Dave's "side" business.
- Hockey's YouTube. With videos he couldn't put up on his regular site, but are on his fuckdoll sites.
- Dave's Doll Chronicles site.
- Dave's Fuck-Muppets' site. It even has a forum.
- Dave's DollForum listing.
- He has 80 pages woth of posts!
- Transcripts of Dave being trolled and admitting to some things. Screencaptures, of course.
- Some abandoned forum for his fuck-muppets.
- A crazy ass site where he talks about his love for speeding and tries to sell his cars.
- A site full of unwarranted self-importance. As all of his sites are.
- His town's website. He runs it. No shit.
- His temporary Facebook page. Search for Midiman Dollover.
- A Nova Scotian rapper who grew up on the steets of Alberta. Dave worked with him.
- The Seaman Project. Not as cool as it sounds.
- Dave's #1 fan!
- NEW!!! Cover Doll Magazine! Where Dave poses his dollies!
- A very special interview between David Hockey and Shit_Viper.
- Kevin Havens
- Peter Coffin
- Something Awful
- White Knighting
- Narcissistic personality disorder
- Sock puppet
- Unwarranted Self Importance
- Victim complex
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