Ayaan Hirsi Ali

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Yuck, put the burka back on.

Ayaan Hirsi AliFedora icon.png (powerword: Ayaan Hirsi Magan) is a feminist, Zionist, victim of female genital mutilation, self-confessed liar and former Muslim extremist who became an Islamophobic extremist, probably because Islam was the only religion that successfully made her shut the fuck up for any period of time. After she was elected to office in the Netherlands in 2003, presumably by the New Atheist cult and Neo Nazis who were willing to overlook the fact that she's a nigger, she was exposed as an illegal immigrant, a scandal which led to the downfall of an entire fucking government. She moved to the United States, continuing to leech off the Dutch taxpayers who were forced to provide her security until late 2007.

Swiftly joining neocon thinktank the American Enterprise Institute which supports such successful ideas as tax cuts for the rich and the Iraq War, Ali was proclaimed a true liberal by the zealot fringes of the godless movement, as opposed to fake liberals who don't support McCarthyite attacks on overwhelmingly peaceful religious people. She founded the AHA Foundation, a feminist nonprofit organisation for Western women who like to pretend they're oppressed and fight non-existent threats like Sharia Law in Europe and North America. It was in the United States that she met her husband Niall Ferguson, an autistic Scottish advisor to John McCain and supporter of Mitt Romney who bafflingly joined her on TIME Magazine's 100 Most Influential People In The World list, despite his preferred candidates losing both elections and him gaining a reputation as an incompetent political jinx.

Early life

Ali was born in 1969 in Somalia to an upper class family. Her father, Hirsi Magan Isse, was a convicted criminal and bullshitter who had four wives and later moved to the United Kingdom because everybody in Somalia hated him. While he was in prison, five year old Ayaan's grandmother had her circumsized in the traditional way, which in Africa consists of an illiterate goat herder with a rusty knife slashing away and hoping for the best.

An artist's impression of Ayaan Hirsi Ali's vagina.

Ali's father escaped justice by breaking out of prison before his sentence was finished, taking little Ayaan and fleeing to Saudi Arabia, then Ethiopia, then Kenya, like a shitty African-Middle Eastern Wacky Races where the prize for the winner is living in a country where you don't get stoned to death. Here, she grew up, consensually wearing a hijab and supporting such liberal causes as the Muslim Brotherhood and the fatwa against Salman Rushdie well into her adulthood.

Netherlands and scandals

It's not easy being a yuppie cunt in a poverty stricken African nation though, so Ayaan applied for political asylum while in the Netherlands visiting family members, after visiting family members in Germany (too abrasive to stay in one place for too long). Though she told immigration authorities and the Dutch public she had fled from civil war in Somalia, she left that country before its war broke out. She did not live through a war there or anywhere else. Thanks to her fabrications, Hirsi Ali received political asylum in just five weeks.

It was in the Netherlands that she started speaking out against Islam, even though Muslims didn't give a shit about her at this point. Obviously, this attracted death threats. Like a rape victim who refuses to wear modest clothes to avoid getting raped again, Ayaan insisted on wearing even more slutty clothes which surprise, surprise, resulted in more death threats. The Dutch government, rather than telling her to shut the fuck up and stop causing trouble, agreed to pay for security to protect her. Encouraged by their white knight behaviour, Ali become a politician and won an election in 2003, proving that Dutch people use far too many illegal drugs and they should be banned immediately.

It was at this point she started courting far-right friends like Theo van Gogh and Geert Wilders, the former of whom had taken to calling Muslims "goat fuckers" and the latter of whom has openly associated with the English Defence League, though they all assure us they're not really fascists because hatred of Muslims doesn't count. However, black clouds were looming for Ayaan...

VVD leadership knew that the story Hirsi Ali told on her immigration forms was a gigantic lie — she had told them as much — but covered up the fraud and even advanced it to propel her career.


Zembla’s revelations of Hirsi Ali’s lies in May 2006 interrupted her ascent and threw the Dutch government into chaos.


Days after Zembla aired its exposé, Hirsi Ali announced her plans to leave parliament and take up a position with the American Enterprise Institute, the Washington-based think tank that housed many of the neoconservatives who helped orchestrate the U.S. invasion of Iraq. In the immediate aftermath of the furor she caused, Verdonk introduced the so-called “Law on Integration,” one of Europe’s harshest anti-immigrant bills. Only one member of the Dutch House of Representatives opposed it. However, the governing coalition soon collapsed because of the scandal Hirsi Ali’s deceptions inspired. With a new coalition seated in February 2007, and without Verdonk and Hirsi Ali in power, the government was able to adopt a more tolerant approach to immigrants.



— I can haz citizenship?[1]

United States

"Just because I'm a fascist doesn't mean I'm a fascist."

Meeting with more psychopathic new friends when she arrived in the United States, figures such as Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, Bill Maher and Pamela Geller, Ali rose to prominence within the New Atheist cult and she began writing a book. For her best-selling 2007 memoir, Infidel, Hirsi Ali’s publishers at Simon & Schuster pushed the discredited claim that “Hirsi Ali survived civil war.” More recently, conservative pundit Peggy Noonan glossed over the reasons behind Hirsi Ali’s flight from the Netherlands, writing, “Ayaan Hirsi Ali got death threats and eventually fled to America.” Few, if any, American outlets noted that Hirsi Ali left the Netherlands as her public credibility collapsed and her anti-immigrant party fell into crisis.


[T]hat one man who killed 77 people in Norway, because he fears that Europe will be overrun by Islam, may have cited the work of those who speak and write against political Islam in Europe and America – myself among them – but he does not say in his 1500 page manifesto that it was these people who inspired him to kill. He says very clearly that it was the advocates of silence. Because all outlets to express his views were censored, he says, he had no other choice but to use violence.” (Her words were met with an extended standing ovation.)


—Ayaan Hirsi Ali, defending mass killer Anders Behring Breivik. [2]

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Featured article September 28 & 29 & 30th 2015
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