Allahu Akbar

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The prophet knows best.

Allah(u) Akbar is an Arabic phrase for God is Great. It's a word that instantly grants meaning to your final sacrifice. Of course, you must share your death with the infidels around you for the magic words to work. Your reward for saying these words is 15,000 virgins and Allah's eternal love. Failing to die yourself, on the other hand, results in a criminal trial in a civilian court. The preferred method of ridding the world of yourself and of the unclean is to strap bombs to oneself.

   
 
The individuals who hijacked two airplanes and flew them into the World Trade Center towers shouted, “Allahu Akhbar”. The individuals who will attend the mosque would offer up like praise of “Allahu Akhbar”. The individuals who detonate suicide vests, behead school teachers and headmasters, throw acid on little girls trying to attend school, and fire rockets into Israel shout, “Allahu Akhbar”.
 

 
 

—Allen West (one of Sarah Palin's buddies) on the Ground Zero Mosque which is neither a mosque nor at Ground Zero

This phrase alone simply is the greatest phrase of all! it is common knowledge that, Allah the merciful, hates furries therefor we should all praise him and get our 9 billion virgins when we die yelling the holy phrase of all time! ALLAHU AKBAR!!!!!! Another fun thing to note is that if you enter this phrase into Google Translate it will trigger an automatic response by the FBI who will immediately declare you an enemy combatant and send your ass to gitmo where you can worship Allah alongside all the other failures to detonate.


Success Not Always Guaranteed

While blowing yourself up doesn't seem like something that would require a great deal of foresight or thought there are still those out there that somehow find a way to fuck up the simplest of activities. And believe me there's nothing more embarrassing than finding yourself standing in the middle of an airport with C4 strapped to your ass as 100's of people stare dumbfounded at the fact that you actually forgot to wire the shit up to any sort of a detonator. Yet amazingly there are some people who've found themselves in that type of situation.

Imagine it: There you are, standing in the middle of a crowded airport terminal, ready to meet the thousands of untouched virgin lolis that you were promised would be waiting for you in imagination land after having screamed out your new favorite Arab when all of the sudden a fat rent-a-cop tackles you to the ground. Sorry Akmed no pussy for you; just the fat, fat hands of a very lonely security guard as he cups your balls for the mandatory frisking and pat down.

Nike urging on the "Underwear Bomber" to Just Do It

Take Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab for example, he was the young Nigerian man who became known as the "Underwear Bomber" or as most members of Al Qaeda remember him: That fucking retarded African. One day Umar decided that belonging to the poorest nation in Africa kinda sucked and so he came up with the brilliant idea of shoving explosives down his pants and boarding a plane. To make a long story short his 9/11 ended up with him being laughed at by a plane full of wealthy white people who thought it was just the cutest thing ever that someone had trained a monkey to wear human clothing and sit upright.

Of course when people on board found out that he wasn't actually a cute and cuddly animal but instead a Nigerian who had somehow boarded their plane in the hopes of killing them all they were a tad bit upset. Luckily for them he completely failed, instead of blowing up an entire plane in a suicide bombing he found himself sitting in airport security with a brief load of plastic explosives wedged in his crack as Homeland Security tried to stop laughing long enough to read him his rights.

Umar learned an important lesson that day: Blow the bomb up first before screaming out Allah Akbar.



Everyday Uses

Just because this phrase is usually uttered by butthurt sandniggers right before they literally explode with rage doesn't mean that you can't find ways to use it in your everyday life. In fact "Allah Akbur" can be super effective in almost any situation when properly used. Here are some suggestions on when to best use it for maximum results:


  • While waiting in line at the DMV
  • After being arrested for carrying a concealed weapon
  • During court
  • After the partyvan shows up
  • In a crowded airport (Bonus points if you're naked while doing so)
  • Children's parties
  • Daycares or schools
  • Gun shows
  • Trump rallies
  • Ariana Grande concerts


In fact, truth be told, you can pretty much scream it anywhere and get results. Just remember to do so loudly and look as pissed off as possible when you do. It also helps if you haven't shaved for a few weeks and if you're not white.

How to Troll with Allahu Akbar

Since devout Muslims find it offensive if a non-Muslim uses the phrase "Allahu Akbar" a fun way to piss them off is to make it your screen name on gay websites, fetish sites, porn etc. It is virtually guaranteed that a Muslim will complain to a moderator in a bid to get the offending name changed.

If you hold your ground and explain to the mod that "Allahu Akbar" simply means "God is great" in Arabic they won't change the name resulting in massive butthurt, lulz and flying off the rails of many Muslims.

Examples In Media

Allahu Akbar: The Musical


   
 
A catchy tune to hum while slaughtering the infidels
 

 
 

Osama Bin laden


Allahu Akbar in everyday life


Allahu Akbar is part of a series on Language & Communication
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